Finally Needing Human Interaction

After working from home since late November and staying at home almost all of the time, I think I’m finally wanting human interaction. For most of last year, I was totally alright with being at home in my little realm doing my own thing. But this past weekend, it hit me that I miss going to work, going to the gym and volunteering at the cat cafe. I technically can still do the last 2 things but the COVID numbers are so high, I don’t want to risk it.

I’m not sure what this says about the person that I’ve become. I’ve turned in to somebody who is content with her two cats, doggy and some fictional characters in stories. Finding solace in stories and animals is something I’ve always done since I was a child. But I’m not a child anymore. I should want to be with other people often, right?

Instead of trying to just be ok with the current state of things, I keep looking back on the past. Shit I used to do, how I used to behave. Reflecting is good to an extent, it’s when we can’t look to the future or see what’s in front of us in the present that can be destructive.

My brain feels a bit foggy. My energy levels are low. I have no motivation to do most things even things I usually enjoy. The telltale signs I’m in another episode of depression. I have things I want to do but the drive just isn’t there. It can be so frustrating to want to accomplish goals but having zero energy to accomplish them.

All I can say is meh.

When you’re in a state of depression, how do you find the energy to still do things (fun things and regular adult things)?

Sending you all positive vibes and I hope you’re all well!

A Restful Weekend

In my last post, I was very distressed with what was happening in America last week. In order to cope with it, I more or less did nothing for a while.

Thursday and Friday I barely did anything at work because my mind was so frazzled. Thankfully I had some friends to talk to which was helpful. We chatted about the latest information and speculated about what the future holds for the US.

On Saturday I had plans to grocery shop, exercise and clean. None of those things happened. Instead I did nothing which was so helpful in the long run. I snuggled with my animals while watching the anime “Yuri on Ice” which was the recipe for relaxation. When I woke up on Sunday, I felt like I could properly function again.

I usually beat myself up about “being lazy” but after seeing the positive results of it, maybe I’ve been too hard on myself in the past. I think if I would have pushed myself instead of being gentle, I would have been struggling on Sunday too.

I hope you all are well! Please stay safe especially with the inauguration protests coming up.

What the Fuck is Happening?

2021 already has been rough with increased COVID-19 cases and my own personal conflicts.

But yesterday was the worst.

My mind was spinning as I read update after update on the mindless Trump zombies who stormed the Capitol building in DC. It brought me nothing but pain but I couldn’t look away.

I was texting a couple of friends last night about everything. I asked, “where do we go from here?” None of them had an answer. None of them could see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Today my heart is still heavy. It is weighed down by sadness, confusion and anxiety for the future of America.

If you’re struggling like I am, what are you doing to cope with this?

This is a very short post but I wanted to get a little bit of what’s on my mind out into the world.

Reflections: My Childhood Safe Space

Growing up I always felt uncomfortable in my own skin. Like I was wearing a sweater that was too tight all of the time. It was a perpetual awkwardness that I couldn’t shake until I was in 8th grade or so. I was still shy and awkward but the imaginary sweater didn’t feel so uncomfortable.

When I was in 2nd grade my mom started dating after her and my dad got divorced. She took 2 years off then started dating this guy who had two kids, one 2 years older than me and the other 4 years older. They would all come over and that was my cue to hide in my room.

My childhood safe space away from this family I wanted to do with was my room. But within my room, I would play Britney Spears’ “Oops…I Did It Again” album on my cassette player while reading whatever book that could transport me to anywhere else.

I have a vivid memory of reading a Sailor Moon manga. I loved watching Sailor Moon so I was really happy to find the manga at my community library. I no longer was confined to the half hour episode after school, I could go on adventures with the Sailor Scouts whenever I wanted.

Instead of running around the house was kids I didn’t care for, I stayed in my room where I could enjoy the things I liked most: music and reading.

Did you have a special place you liked to go as a kid? If so, what did you do there? Do you have similar habits as an adult?

Nothing Good

2020 has been a very difficult year for everybody on the planet. The fact that so many awful things have happened on a grand scale as well as in my own realm have been getting me down. I feel like the waves of depression are pulling me in to the dark ocean that I know so well.

It feels like every day a new piece of bad news comes to my doorstep. I hear it then carry that weight on my shoulders until it becomes unbearable. Until I collapse under the weight.

It’s exhausting to have more bad than good in my life. The stark contrast is too much sometimes and I find myself curled up in bed scrolling through TikTok in attempt to find momentary relief. A silly skit, a k-pop fan cam or a cute kitten to calm my brain.

I hope things are going well in your life.

There’s So Much in My Head

I’m at a spot in my life where I have so much going on in my head and heart that I’m terrified to look inside. The thought of sitting down to reflect on my own, in a blog post or with my trusted therapist scare me. I know if I open the box, I can’t close it.

I feel that if I dive into what is troubling me, I’ll cry and never be able to stop. So instead I keep pushing it down, sweeping it under the rug. Right now the pile under this imaginary rug is the size of both of my cats.

I can’t bare to face reality or the truth I keep tucked away in my heart. It’s much too painful for me to come to terms with.

I want to talk to my therapist about it but I don’t have the strength. Every day I consider making an appointment but I can’t. This is the first time that i am having trouble opening up to my therapist. She has seen me at my worst, seen me cry countless times.

But what’s making me sad, I can’t speak it. Because if I say it that makes it real, it makes it true.

I’m not ready for the truth. I just want to live in my comfort zone for a while longer. I’m not ready to give it up.

I’ve Got Nothing

I don’t know if it’s the never ending waves of bad news, how the stars are aligned or what, but I feel emotionally exhausted. A new season of depression is setting on my mind.

My horoscope this morning even asked, “Megan, are you depressed?”

The past week or two I have found it difficult to function like a human being. On a normal day, I’m a relatively talkative, smiley person who enjoys being with the people I love. Lately depression has been making me almost dread each day. My patience is as thin as a spaghetti noodle so just about everything irritates me.

When I get cranky like this, I get annoyed at myself. It’s a cycle that makes me want to sleep all day until I’m no longer in this state any longer.

I feel like I have nothing to give, nothing to offer the world at this time. Is it possible to take a timeout where nobody bothers me and I can be a slug?

One positive thing is that this episode of depression has brought me make to the blogging world so that’s a plus.

Reader, I hope that you are doing better than me and are feeling some bit of joy this September.

Weather Bringing Back Memories

I’m not sure if this just happens to me but has the weather ever triggered your mind to take you back to a specific memory? To a specific place and time in your life?

It’s happened to me many times in my life but most recently it happened on my walk to the office. I felt a cool autumn breeze and it quickly transported me back to my days living in Philadelphia for university. I was instantly taken back to walking around campus in the fall with my camera bag on my way home from my photography class.

Those handful of months I went to that university were some of the highlights of my life. I struggled with my depression a lot at the beginning of the semester but once I made friends, I never looked back. I was truly happy in those days. Every day was something new alongside classmates who quickly became close friends.

Sometimes the wind and sun will take me back to warm days at the beach with my mom and brother or the rain will remind me of my time spent in England. I love when these moments happen, they make me feel happy. They lift my spirits.

This is a very short post but I wanted to share this since I’ve been thinking about it quite a lot. If you’ve had this experience leave me a comment telling me about it!

Becoming Who I Never Wanted to Be

Ever since I was a little girl I told myself I would never become my aunt. My aunt is one of the most manipulative and lazy people in my life. I won’t bore you with any details but let’s lay the basic foundation that she sucks.

She told me that she has an almost fear of leaving the house. Her anxiety wells up in her and she stays home all of the time, only leaving to sit in the passenger’s seat of my dad’s car to pick up prescriptions at Rite Aid or lunch at McDonald’s. Any other time she’s at home.

Before quarantine was happening across the world, I already struggled with getting out of my house. Going to the gym, the grocery store, Target or wherever took so much mental strength.

Once quarantine happened I was content to be home almost all of the time except to go to the grocery store (while wearing a mask) or visit my family. This was what my anxiety had wished for! I could be home and not feel guilty about it! Yay!

But now that a lot of things are open again and though life is not totally normal, I feel like I should be leaving my house more. That I should try to go to the gym, go back to work at the office and other things but I feel like I’m stuck.

I say, “Megan, we are going to go to the health food store!” I never get there.

I say, “Megan, we are hitting the gym today!” I never even put on my sneakers.

What annoys me is I have no actual fear about going to those places. I have no reason to be anxious but the thought of leaving my safe space has become scary.

Am I slowly turning in to my aunt? Will I fast forward 10 years into the future and I’m still sat at home stricken with anxiety? Will I let life pass me by because I was too anxious to leave my f*cking house?

I don’t want to be my aunt.

Does leaving your house make you anxious? Do you have a specific fear or is it just a general feeling of anxiety? Have you been able to overcome the anxiety? If so, how?

I’m wishing you all health and contentment!

Feeling Anxious and Foolish

Tomorrow I am going back to the office for the first time since mid-March. I told my boss I would come to the office twice this week, something I am now regretting.

Last week I felt confident that I could begin my transition back to the office. I acted on that feeling because if I didn’t, I would never go back. I had promised my boss I would come back a few days a week after she let me stay home for longer than she originally intended me to.

I feel foolish for being so anxious about going back. I will see maybe five people at most and be sitting alone in the basement where my desk has sat vacant.

So what is there to fear, if I won’t be having conversations with my coworkers because of social distancing? What am I so afraid of, if I will be alone in a basement like I am alone at home most days?

The only thing I can think of is the fear of leaving the comfort and safety of my home. My house has always been my safe haven where I can be myself. I can wear my pajamas, eat all the snacks I want and have my pets by my side. At the office, I don’t have any of those things.

Even before COVID and quarantining, I had trouble leaving home. Something I never ever thought I would struggle with! I had to push myself to put on my shoes and get out the door. So COVID happening has only made it more challenging.

In my previous post, I wrote about having an anxiety emergency kit to help me cope. Looking at it now, I feel like nothing could help my anxiety. That it will swallow me whole.

I try to tell myself that it’s not a big deal. I’ve been working in an office full-time for years so I can do it again. Right?

The difficult part about mental illness is that it doesn’t always respond to reason. Sometimes my depression or anxiety can be quelled with reason and facts but this time it’s not cutting it.

Maybe I will get there and I will be fine even though I’ll be shaking all morning during my drive to the office.

This isn’t the biggest challenge of my life but it sure as hell feels like it in this moment.

How are you coping in this climate? Have you had to make any big changes recently? If so, how did you cope?