So You Know (SYK)

So You Know (S.Y.K.) was created by Revenge of Eve. I always read the ones from Ashley from Mental Health @ Home so check her’s out too! If you’re interested in participating, here are the guidelines:

  • here are no right or wrong answers… Your answers = Your opinion = Your life
  • Answer a few or one, whatever you are comfortable with
  • Pingback to any S.Y.K. post
  • Use the hashtag #SYK to tag your post
  • Be real. If you feel a certain type of way, say it. You were asked your opinion.

This week’s questions are:

  • As a parent do you feel safe leaving the world in your children hands? Explain why or why not
  • If you are child-free, do you feel we (humans) are heading in the right direction, as a whole?
  • What do you consider the biggest difference in your generation and your parents generation? Compare the two using a positive impact and its negative effects.
  • Do you feel like an old soul? Or a youngster? Why?
  • What era would you chose to live in if given the chance?

1. As a parent do you feel safe leaving the world in your children hands? Explain why or why not.

Don’t have kids but I have three cousins in that range from mid-teens to nearly 20. I think one of them has a really good head on her shoulders so I think she will contribute positively to this world.

2. If you are child-free, do you feel we (humans) are heading in the right direction, as a whole?

I see a lot of things going in the wrong direction. The rise in white extremism, the deterioration of our planet, the lack of progress in equal rights and factory farming really weigh on my heart.

3. What do you consider the biggest difference in your generation and your parents generation? Compare the two using a positive impact and its negative effects.

I’m a millennial and my mom and dad are baby boomers. I think one of the biggest differences are the opportunities available (this is positive and negative). My mom was able to get a career that paid her well enough to live on her own plus have a cat! On the other hand, my college experience has left me in thousands of dollars of debt which has stifled me in many ways. I still live with my mom because I don’t make enough money to pay my loans plus a monthly rent.

But on the positive side, there are many more opportunities for people today than there were when my parents were in their mid-20s.

4. Do you feel like an old soul? Or a youngster? Why?

I feel somewhere in the middle. I don’t always understand the Instagram-centered life or why children today are so focused on making the next viral video or meme. I often long for simpler times with flip phones and MySpace. Yet I still feel relatively young.

5. What era would you chose to live in if given the chance?

This reminds me of a scene on “The Office” where Erin asks Michael when in history he would want to be a teenager. I think it would have been awesome to have my teen years go through the late 80s into the 90s.

A Burden

I don’t know if I will ever feel like an important person. Not important as in somebody with influence or fame. I mean someone whose purpose is a meaningful one, someone who matters.

I have felt this way for most of my life so it’s ingrained in my mind.

Other people I can see are important. Others do good in the world and make things better whether for people, animals or the environment. I see people make an impact that I don’t think I ever will be able to do.

I bring down the mood. I make those closest to me sad. I only add problems and hurdles into the lives of those around me.

I feel like a prickly sea urchin that nobody wants to touch. That my mental illness makes me undesirable. That it creates more issues than anything else. That it has made me rotten from the inside out.

I am a burden.

I take up space.

I don’t think anybody likes me.

The only person who actually loves me is my mom. Which of course she does, she’s my mom! She has to love me.

I think about myself in all aspects of life and how if I wasn’t there, there would be room for somebody better.

Like at work, if I quit that would make room for somebody with much more talent than me. In my relationship, he could find somebody 100 times better than me in an instant. It wouldn’t take much looking to do either of those tasks.

Same goes for being a daughter, friend and sister too.

I’m not perfect at all but I wish that I was. I wish I could write beautiful words and create stunning graphics at work. I wish I had no issues, triggers or problems to put on the shoulders of my boyfriend and family.

I’m not considering ending my life so don’t worry about that. I have that sorted out for the most part (thank you therapy and medicine!).

Is this a big shit session directed at myself? Absolutely.

Sorry this was so long and incredibly negative. I really needed to get this off my chest. I don’t have therapy until Thursday so I decided to toss my thoughts up on here.

Self-Harm by Restricting Food

Self-harm is not limited to cutting, burning, biting, scratching, etc. your skin. In a recent post I saw on The Mighty (a great community for people with mental illness, disabilities and chronic health issues) about how self-harm goes beyond those things.

After reading that (which now I can’t find it anywhere so I can’t even link it for you guys), I realized how many of the things I was doing the author classified as self-harm. Two that I think off the top of my head were restricting food and not acclimating to temperature changes.

Food Restriction

This has been a struggle for me for a few years now. Especially when I’m anxious my stomach gets so tense that I feel like I can’t eat. When I’m like that I can only eat a very small amount of food or I will feel sick.

And even if my anxiety isn’t making my stomach tense but I’m still anxious, sometimes I just don’t want to eat despite my stomach growling. This is happening today. I am feeling anxious and depressed today so I don’t want to have anything to eat. I’m quite hungry but I don’t want to take a single bite.

Am I punishing myself? Sort of.

Is this a healthy thing? Not really.

Being Too Cold

I really didn’t realize that this was a form of self-harm. So what I mean is that if I’m cold, I won’t do anything about it as a sort of punishment to myself. I don’t usually do this as often with being hot because I hate being too hot.

In the winter my office is usually quite cold (the building was built in 1929 what can you do?) and I have a space heater to help but I don’t often use it. Instead I’ll just be cold. I’ll suffer through it just because I can.

This is a strange one to explain because I don’t entirely understand my reasoning for it.

Do you have any trouble with restricting food or letting yourself suffer by being too cold/hot?

I am experiencing PMDD right now which makes me feel every emotion all at the same time. So there’s a lot going on in my head right now so it’s very hard to get through this time of the month. Right now it feels like my swimming upstream in a river of peanut butter.

Soothing My Worries

Lately I have been having a lot of worries. Hahaha I know what a surprise for someone with anxiety! But I have specifically been having financial worries for around a year or so.

Right now they’re moving to the forefront of my mind because my boyfriend and I are looking to move in together in September. He is about to get a very nice raise because he was just promoted he will begin making some great money. I’m so proud of him!

I don’t make all that much, I’ll be honest. I am hoping for a raise this summer but that’s far away from now.

In my mind I thought that if I don’t make enough money I can’t contribute as much as him towards our livelihood. I have been worrying about not being able to pay my fair share of everything. We have always spoken about how we split things evenly but if he’s paying for more then that’s not fair.

It goes against everything in my being to have him carry the financial weight. I also don’t want to feel like a burden on him and that make him not want to live with me. I don’t want him to think I’m some sort of mooch either.

So I did something bold.

I told my boyfriend my worries!

He told me that everything is going to be fine and that he understands that I don’t make the same as he does. He doesn’t expect me to put forth the same amount because it might not be possible for me to do that.

He told me he isn’t worried about it. Him saying that made me feel loved. It made me feel like he really wants to live with me and knows that I will do my best to pay what I can to make our life together possible!

Sometimes voicing your worries can make them go away.

 

 

A Letter to My Struggling Self

I am very inspired by Hunting Happiness who did this post on the Bipolar Writer Blog. She called it “A Letter to Myself on the Days I Feel I’m About to Drown.” I love that title and her idea to write up a letter to encourage herself when she’s struggling with her mental illness.

So I want to do the same! Sometimes the most encouraging person is yourself when you are feeling depressed or anxious.

Dear Megan,

Are you alright? Whatever horrible thoughts you’ve been ruminating on, press pause for a moment to read what I have to tell you.

Remember what your therapist said? Not every thought your brain generates is a fact. Your brain loves to lie and trick you, it loves to kick you when you’re down. It sucks to say but you can’t always believe your mind.

Because I am you, I know the dark thoughts that are buzzing around in your mind. Thoughts you’ve been battling since you were little. Just because you’ve been hearing them forever doesn’t mean that they hold any amount of truth.

Worthless? You’re absolutely worthy of existing. Everybody hates you? Also not true. Think about how much your mom, brother, dad, boyfriend and grandmother care about you. They would be deeply upset if you weren’t here.

Your writing has impacted so many people, even those who you don’t know! You have been able to positively impact other people’s lives with your words. Nobody else could have written those stories like you.

Your experiences matter. Your perspective is needed.

I love you and so do all of the important people in your life!

Love,
Megan

P.S. Pet your cats, watch “My Roommate is a Cat” and stretch.

 

So You Know

Revenge of Eve does these little question posts that I’ve been seeing Ashley from Mental Health @ Home doing. So I wanted to do it too! It reminds me of the MySpace bulletin board posts people used to do. I loved filling those out!

  1. Have you ever wet your pants or the bed as an adult?  Ages 18- current age?
  2. Who is your all-time favorite comedian?  How would you describe the style of comedy you enjoy?
  3. Do you and your friends and/or family have a funny person in your circle?
  4. Are you good at telling jokes?

 

  1. Thankfully no.
  2. I’m not sure if I have a favorite comedian specifically but there are certain shows I think are funny. Seinfeld and The Office always make me laugh. When I’m struggling and need a laugh, they lift my spirits.
    I also have positive memories tied to both of those shows with my boyfriend. The first time we hung out we watched Seinfeld. We were laughing so hard, I’m not sure if it was because we were nervous or it was genuinely that funny.
  3. I think I’m funny but so does my brother, mom and dad. We all always try to make each other laugh by doing something crazy or saying something sarcastic. My friends in college were the same. A few of us were always trying to make jokes to see who could make each other laugh until they cried.
  4. Not really.

Well that was fun! The ones on MySpace were like 50 questions so this is a nice condensed version of that.

Telling Depression to Piss Off

This morning I was almost out the door for work when I got the empty pain of depression. It sits in my chest making me feel hollow inside.

As I got in my car and began to drive to the office the feeling was still very present. Nothing had happened this morning or last night to make me depressed but sometimes we don’t get to choose when we are depressed. Depression can engulf me anytime it feels like it.

Nagging thoughts kept pushing on my mind about how my boyfriend doesn’t love me and that I’m a worthless human. These thoughts were quiet but I wanted to confront them before they got louder.

I said aloud, “Hey depression, piss off!”

I rarely verbally confront my mental illness like this but I had been feeling good for the past 12 hours and I want to keep it going for longer.

I continued to tell my depression that what it was telling me isn’t true. I know that my boyfriend loves me even when my brain tells me it’s not true. I see his actions and I hear his words that contradict my depression and anxiety.

Instead of letting my depression kick me down to the ground, I am fighting back today.

So to help me keep fighting today, I’m going to do a little list of things that are going well and what I’m looking forward to.

Things going well:

1. My boyfriend and I are doing very well
2. I’ve been keeping up with doing my nails (having my nails painted makes me feel better about myself)
3. I’ve been feeling close with my mom lately

Looking forward to:

1. Therapy on Thursday
2. Getting my windshield replaced today (it has like a foot long crack in it for some reason)
3. Doing yoga after work

I hope that this inspired somebody on this Earth to stand up to their mental illness!