The moment is still as clear to me as when it happened exactly two years ago when I had my first suicidal thought.
A few days earlier I had sank into a deep depression after a bad breakup. Those days were filled with lots of tears, laying in bed and hugging my cats.
Two years ago I attended an event for my former job and in my ear I heard loud and clear, “kill yourself.” I heard it over and over again. I never had experienced anything like it before.
I was absolutely terrified.
After the event ended I drove home as fast as I could. I called my therapist, who I had only seen once at that point, who did not answer her phone. So I called the suicide crisis hotline and spoke to a really nice woman who encouraged me that I would be alright.
We talked and she helped to calm me down until my therapist returned my phone call.
The rest of the day was a blur. I know I went back to work to write my story then I left.
Those suicidal thoughts flew around in my brain for months until I got on the right antidepressant. Check out my post here about that journey!
Two years later I am still living. Two years ago I could not have envisioned getting to age 25. I could barely see myself getting to the end of each week, thinking long term wasn’t possible for me to do.
In my next post, I’m going to talk about the different things I did to soothe myself when the suicidal thoughts were too loud.
Thank you for reading this, sharing this day with someone makes me vulnerable but I want to show others that they are not alone.