I’m Lost for Words

My former friend who I have spoken about in previous posts has reached out to me for the first time in months. We have not had an actual conversation in a long time so getting a text from her this evening really threw me for a loop.

My anxiety is in overdrive right now. I don’t know what to do. Do I reply? If I do reply, what do I say?

I’m really freaking out about this because we want two different things. She has reached out with an olive branch asking to rekindle our friendship while I want to snap the branch in half. I don’t want to return to the way that she has treated me for too long.

I know that if I give it another go nothing will be different. She will continue to judge my every life choice while I feel like shit about myself. She will tear me down which is something that I really don’t need in my life right now.

I have been completely content without her in my life. I miss the friendship we had many years ago but that is long dead now. I’m not sure if she has, but I have changed.

She told me that she wishes for the “Megan from university” and asks where she has gone. To quote Taylor Swift, she’s dead.

When I began my severe depressive episode which involved constant suicidal thoughts and self-harm, my old self died. You can’t go through that life altering experiencing and come back the exact same person. It just doesn’t happen.

During that horrible time, she wasn’t there when I needed her the very most.

I was hoping that our friendship could be quietly buried but it seems like it’s reaching its hand up through the ground to trip me.

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