A Burden

I don’t know if I will ever feel like an important person. Not important as in somebody with influence or fame. I mean someone whose purpose is a meaningful one, someone who matters.

I have felt this way for most of my life so it’s ingrained in my mind.

Other people I can see are important. Others do good in the world and make things better whether for people, animals or the environment. I see people make an impact that I don’t think I ever will be able to do.

I bring down the mood. I make those closest to me sad. I only add problems and hurdles into the lives of those around me.

I feel like a prickly sea urchin that nobody wants to touch. That my mental illness makes me undesirable. That it creates more issues than anything else. That it has made me rotten from the inside out.

I am a burden.

I take up space.

I don’t think anybody likes me.

The only person who actually loves me is my mom. Which of course she does, she’s my mom! She has to love me.

I think about myself in all aspects of life and how if I wasn’t there, there would be room for somebody better.

Like at work, if I quit that would make room for somebody with much more talent than me. In my relationship, he could find somebody 100 times better than me in an instant. It wouldn’t take much looking to do either of those tasks.

Same goes for being a daughter, friend and sister too.

I’m not perfect at all but I wish that I was. I wish I could write beautiful words and create stunning graphics at work. I wish I had no issues, triggers or problems to put on the shoulders of my boyfriend and family.

I’m not considering ending my life so don’t worry about that. I have that sorted out for the most part (thank you therapy and medicine!).

Is this a big shit session directed at myself? Absolutely.

Sorry this was so long and incredibly negative. I really needed to get this off my chest. I don’t have therapy until Thursday so I decided to toss my thoughts up on here.

7 Comments

  1. I think in the mental health world, we all DEFINITELY have this time. I’m not sure if it helps or not, but I personally love finding songs that sort of match my mood, but I highly suggest “Monster” by Gabbie Hanna (“Medicate” is my favorite song by her, but that’s a different story), when I felt like I was the constant negative in everyone’s lives, this song really hit home for when I used to feel that way. It really helped me a lot. Hope it might help you ♥

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

    1. I agree, I think a lot of us feel this way. It’s interesting that so many feel this way but if somebody who was struggling with their mental health, we wouldn’t find them to be a burden at all. We would be happy to support them because we understand what it’s like to feel so miserable.

      I am listening at this very moment! Thank you for the music recommendation!

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

      1. If there is a silver lining to having mental health issues and being highly sensitive, it really is that we wouldn’t find someone to be a burden if they were in need. We can be so very understanding of others and what they are going through. I hope you enjoy the song!

        Like

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