I don’t know if I will ever feel like an important person. Not important as in somebody with influence or fame. I mean someone whose purpose is a meaningful one, someone who matters.
I have felt this way for most of my life so it’s ingrained in my mind.
Other people I can see are important. Others do good in the world and make things better whether for people, animals or the environment. I see people make an impact that I don’t think I ever will be able to do.
I bring down the mood. I make those closest to me sad. I only add problems and hurdles into the lives of those around me.
I feel like a prickly sea urchin that nobody wants to touch. That my mental illness makes me undesirable. That it creates more issues than anything else. That it has made me rotten from the inside out.
I am a burden.
I take up space.
I don’t think anybody likes me.
The only person who actually loves me is my mom. Which of course she does, she’s my mom! She has to love me.
I think about myself in all aspects of life and how if I wasn’t there, there would be room for somebody better.
Like at work, if I quit that would make room for somebody with much more talent than me. In my relationship, he could find somebody 100 times better than me in an instant. It wouldn’t take much looking to do either of those tasks.
Same goes for being a daughter, friend and sister too.
I’m not perfect at all but I wish that I was. I wish I could write beautiful words and create stunning graphics at work. I wish I had no issues, triggers or problems to put on the shoulders of my boyfriend and family.
I’m not considering ending my life so don’t worry about that. I have that sorted out for the most part (thank you therapy and medicine!).
Is this a big shit session directed at myself? Absolutely.
Sorry this was so long and incredibly negative. I really needed to get this off my chest. I don’t have therapy until Thursday so I decided to toss my thoughts up on here.