Posts by Megan

A 26-year-old woman trying to survive living with depression and anxiety. I love writing, petting cats, reading books and talking about nerdy stuff.

Reflections on World Suicide Prevention Day

Once you have experienced suicidal thoughts, you approach the topic of suicide in a way you couldn’t before. And if you have made suicide attempts you come at the subject from an even more different perspective.

A few months ago at my work someone who was seeking services died by suicide in the building. The conversations that followed regarding the suicide made me squirm. From the words my coworkers spoke, it told me they have never experienced suicidal thoughts or attempted suicide.

Someone said, “Usually there are no signs that somebody is suicidal.”

Another coworker suggested to everyone that we should all smile at the clients more often so that they won’t feel depressed anymore.

I wanted to say, “Ummmm, no. That doesn’t prevent suicide.”

People may say that there are no signs if somebody is suicidal but I disagree (there are exceptions to this I’m sure). Somebody struggling with suicidal thoughts may be putting up a front that they are fine but those closest to them would potentially see their behaviors change, if they are the type of person to pay attention to those around them.

For me I lost a lot of weight, couldn’t eat/had no appetite, slept constantly, laid in bed for hours, cut myself on a daily basis and canceled the few plans that I made with people.

At the beginning of it all I reached out for help. I found a wonderful therapist who I still see today. My doctor always took what I said seriously, she never doubted me or how I was feeling. Both of them were two of the reasons I chose to live.

For a couple weeks I was going to a weekly doctor’s appointment plus two therapy sessions. I told myself that they were both genuinely concerned about me, they wanted to see me alive and get better. So that fueled me to wake up and start my day for weeks.

Suicide is complex. Each person experiences suicidal thoughts differently and needs different things to help them cope.

After dealing with suicidal thoughts and I hear about a suicide, I am sad for them but I also hope that they are now at peace. It makes me sad to know that they were struggling so badly that the only solution they saw was to die.

If you’re reading this and struggling with suicidal thoughts I hope you can talk to a family member, friend, therapist or someone at the National Suicide Prevention Hotline (I highly recommend this, I’ve used it a few times) at 1-800-273-8255.

I’m Back & Overwhelmed!

Forgive me all for not being active on my blog over the last week. I’ve been moving and trying to breathe at the same time.

I have a lot to catch up on in regards to my jobs so I will write up a post as soon as I can.

I received a wonderful comment on a post I did on the Bipolar Writer community blog which I want to share in my next post. It was very insightful about negative thinking and creating positive spaces where we occupy our time.

I will post soon! Can’t wait to catch up with everyone and get back to writing and reading your content!

Leave me a comment, what was the best part of this past week for you? If there was no best part, is there anything you’re looking forward to this week?

100 Followers!

I am so thrilled to announce I have 100 followers on the Be Alright Blog!! My goal was to reach 100 followers and it has now come true.

Thank you to everyone who has subscribed, read/skimmed a post, liked or commented on a post! I appreciate you all so very much 🙂

Working on Us

Another week, another Working On Us prompt from Ashley at Mental Health @ Home! Check out her original post here.

  • Do you own a pet for emotional support and/or service/therapy?
    My cats didn’t come into my life for that specific purpose but they definitely help me as emotional support. When I start feeling depressed or anxious I know I can cuddle with my cats. They give me a purpose too. That they would be sad if I wasn’t around anymore.
  • Is your pet a certified therapy animal?  No.
  • What kind of pet do you own?  I have 3 cats.
  • Do you believe that support animals truly assist those in need? Absolutely.
  • Do you believe that any animal can be a therapy/support pet? Yes! Any animal can be supportive.

Describe how your pet is of support to you?

I’ve been pretty depressed lately which makes me lay around in bed a lot. My cats often jump up and lay right next to me, almost as if they’re saying, “I love you and I want to show you that you’re important to me.” They don’t do it at night as often but just having one in my bed makes me feel so much better.

 

Do I Reach Out to My Toxic Friend?

A few months ago I wrote a few posts on here and the Bipolar Writer Blog about someone who was my closest friend in university but had become a negative person in my life for years. She made me feel bad about myself, told me I needed to uproot my life because she knows what is best for me and was incapable of being supportive.

(If you so desire you can read those posts here.)

Lately I have been missing this friend. Her and I could make each other laugh until we fell on the floor in tears. We could talk for hours about everything until the sun came up or I passed out (whichever came first). I loved spending time with her and her family, they are wonderful people who love to have fun.

Nobody has filled that void since I cut ties with her. I have a very tough time making friends as an adult. So there’s been no new friend to take her place as someone I can laugh with, call any time, go shopping with and watch movies with.

I don’t know what I should do. I miss her, I miss the friendship that we had but those amazing days of our friendship were years ago.

Yes I am longing for something that no longer exists, it’s over, but I can’t help but look at my phone and consider sending her a text. I would probably either get no response or just a couple words then silence. I didn’t even send her a text for her birthday last month even though she sent one to me. I meant to but I forgot.

We had gruesome ending to our friendship because I couldn’t fully forgive her for very mean things she said to me last year. That conversation where she brought me to tears I couldn’t shake. It was a cloud over my head, I couldn’t get past it.

I was never able to move on from it.

Any advice here would be great, I love reading your comments!

Working On Us Prompt

Ashley from Mental Health @ Home has been doing these weekly prompts and I am finally going to participate! Check her out here.

 

  • Does social media affect your overall mental health?  If so, please describe how it does affect you? 

It definitely affects my mental health. I have a makeup Instagram account where I see other people’s beautiful artistry and faces and I get a little jealous. I wish that I could be that talented or look that way. Especially if someone is sharing photos in a cute outfit, I am usually comparing myself to them which is never a positive thing.

  • How does it make you feel when you see family/friends posting pictures of them living their life happily?  

It usually makes me glad especially if it’s about something good happening in their lives. A friend of mine recently had a baby after years of trying to get pregnant. It makes me happy knowing she got to start a family, something she’s always wanted. Sometimes I’m jealous when I see friends traveling cool places because I know that I can’t afford it right now.

  • Do the following people make you feel inadequate in any way due to your mental health?    

Sometimes yes. It sometimes makes me question if I’ve been living my life correctly. Whatever the hell that even means. I wonder if I made different choices if my life would be more like theirs. Living in cities, traveling and having lots of friends.

  • What has been your overall experience with social media?  And, what sites do you follow?

I have grown less and less interested in it as I age. I started using social media in middle school when I got my first MySpace page. And if we are talking about sites like Neopets, I was on there in third grade. I share less and less because I don’t want to anymore. If somebody wants to know what’s going on in my life, ask me. I don’t think the world needs to know my life or my opinions on things.
I’m on Facebook, have 2 Instagram accounts and LinkedIn.

I have recently joined two Facebook groups, something I never did before, where people talk about two anime that I watch. I don’t have anyone else to talk about them with so I went to find people I could discuss it with. It’s been a positive thing for me!

  • Have you considered not being on social media?  

Yes I have. I’ve thought about it but I also like knowing what other people are up to. I want to see what they share and so I can keep up with them. Also one of my friends lives in Greece (we met on Instagram) and that’s the primary way we communicate. I wouldn’t want to ditch Facebook and lose that friendship.

  • If you have quit social media sites, has it improved your mental health and stability?  

I was previously on Twitter but quit after being dumped in 2016. I couldn’t cope with any social media but for some reason Twitter was a sad place for me.

  • Has social media ever triggered you in a negative way?  Explain how?  

Yes, it has made me question whether I’m worthy because of how somebody else’s life is being portrayed online.

 

Continuous Anxiety

My anxiety is with me when I go to bed and wake up in the morning. It comes with me in the shower, rides in the front seat with me in my car and hangs out in my office at work.

It’s with me on my  commute home and sits next to me while I watch the latest season of “The Flash” on Netflix. Anxiety sits in the baby seat in my cart at the grocery store and is lifting weights by my side at the gym.

I feel that I cannot shake anxiety. It is stuck to me like glue.

I have been using CBD oil to try and combat it but it only helps so much. It doesn’t get rid of the racing thoughts, tightness in my chest (that’s not from asthma) or anything like that. It calms me for a bit but then I’m right back to feeling anxious.

My anxiety isn’t intense but it’s more frequent than it has been in a while. Which I don’t appreciate.

For some reason I’m worried about adopting the right cat at the cat cafe that I volunteer at. I worry that some of them won’t get adopted because they’re older (I don’t think they’re old but some people might), are shy/reserved or they aren’t physically pristine on the outside. One of them stress licks his fur off and another had an eye issue but is healed, his face just looks a little different but he’s cute.

I worry that they’ll get sent back to the SPCA where they’ll be euthanized. I don’t wish that for any cat which is why I don’t support the SPCA as an organization. The cafe cats just happen to come from there.

This isn’t the main reason for my anxiety but it certainly adds to it.