As I’ve written about in my last few posts (here and here), I have been extra emotional over the past few weeks. Today I hit my breaking point.
These are the days I am so incredibly thankful to be working from home. Having meltdown days at work makes overcoming the day feel impossible. I usually feel like I have to blink a hundred times a second to hold back the tears that are impatiently waiting to fall from the corners of my eyes.
My emotions have been building up to this point. It has been strokes of bad luck and mistakes on top of mental illness, periods, a full moon and COVID-19.
Yesterday I broke my second French press in less than a year. It completely shattered on the floor, I felt so defeated. I had already been feeling depressed and frustrated so having my French press shatter started my day off on a sour note.
I had a bad night sleep last night because my dog was scared of a thunderstorm which was then accompanied by feeling like a fool at work. A new project was announced today, to start a podcast which is something I was originally asked to do. Months ago I had been excited about the possibility of it but voiced concern about not having the recording space or equipment to record on so I didn’t move forward with it.
Hearing today that my coworker at the branch office is starting the agency podcast made me feel strange. I questioned myself over and over, asking, “did I slip up?,” “was I supposed to be working on this all along?,” “did I let my boss down? is she disappointed with my inaction?” and “am I a total fuck up?”
What broke me was the announcement that Bernie Sanders was dropping out of the race for president. I have been a supporter of his since 2016 so seeing him throw in the towel was the last thing I needed to hear this week.
While reading his announcement, I started crying and crying. Not solely because of him dropping out but everything that had happened recently.
After I clocked out I ate a lot of ice cream, watched “Catfish” on Hulu and took my dog for a walk. I am feeling calmer now so let’s hope it stays this way for a moment.
If you read my recent post I’m Cranky, the too long didn’t read version of this post is: I’m still cranky.
Being so cranky that I annoy myself is me at my worst right now. Some days I am totally fine while others, I am one clumsy move away from flipping the fuck out. Today was one of those days.
I am at a trifecta of bullshit at this very moment. There’s a full moon this week, I’m about to start my period and the quarantine situation isn’t getting any better. All of these things are making every small thing a trigger.
Stress and anxiety are boiling under my skin so rapidly that it’s palpable. This has made me be rude to my mom (on her birthday too!), snap at my dog and give everyone at the grocery store the stink eye. Ok that last thing I don’t regret so much.
It’s small stupid shit that is setting me off.
Today my body was tired because I have been exercising more frequently than in my normal life. I skipped my morning yoga and wasn’t going to take my dog on a walk due to my fatigue.
She loves her walks so much that she wants me to take her every day. I’m happy that she enjoys them and is getting the exercise she needs but sometimes I don’t want to go.
She was bugging me all afternoon to take her. Nothing would satiate her desire! I snapped at her saying, “Fine! We’ll go on a walk! Happy?” I bitterly took her out even though it was the last thing I wanted to do.
The walk was fine, she was happy so that’s what is important.
I have always had trouble keeping my anger in check so right now I feel out of control. I hate feeling like I will flip at the drop of a hat.
Does your anxiety translate into anger? If so, how do you cope?
My introverted self who prefers to self-isolate in general is enjoying quarantine. It scares me a bit though. Shouldn’t I be miserable or something?
Yesterday I asked my boss about whether everyone would be heading back to the office next week since many of us were working from home for the last two weeks. She said staff can go back on Monday and she asked if I wanted to return.
My heart sank. My brain screamed, “I’m not ready to go back!!”
Thankfully with this boss I feel comfortable being honest with her. I told her for the time being I would like to keep working from home since there isn’t anything at the office I need. Which is true, everything I need to work is on my work computer.
She said it was fine which made me glad!
But what was alarming to me was my immediate fear that I would have to return to the office. It’s not that I dislike my coworkers or my job, it’s the social anxiety that continues to plague me. I thought I was doing pretty well socially at work before I began working from home. Now I’m back to square one.
I have really been enjoying the time I am able to take for self care each morning. I get up usually feeling well rested then choose to either read, write, learn or exercise. Beginning the day in a positive way has been great! It’s usually the best part of my day.
I don’t get up dreading the day because I know that I have something I enjoy waiting for me when I get out of bed.
Should I not be so content about being locked up at home? Is this normal? I really don’t know but making the best of any situation always seem like a good option.
I have been feeling extra cranky, I’m not sure if it’s because of the quarantine or because I’m going to have my period soonish. Whichever the reason, my patience is thin.
Any small issue I get instantly annoyed. I came back from the grocery store and was drying off my dog after she went out into the yard in the rain. As I ran the towel over her head I sensed myself being irritated for no reason.
I said to her, “I’m feeling cranky and it’s only 10:30 a.m.”
Even writing this post I am feeling tired, angry and want to sleep so I don’t have to deal with myself.
I hate being cranky, my own crankiness annoys me which makes me more cranky. It’s a real cycle that I hate.
To nip this in the butt I am going to be easy on myself today. I won’t expect myself to do a hundred tasks, clean the house top to bottom or anything like that. I am going to care for myself so this doesn’t get worse.
I’m on the verge of tears.
I want to scream.
I want to punch a punching bag until I wear myself out.
I want to lay in bed until the afternoon.
All for no real reason.
I’ve been working from home for exactly one week now so I don’t see many people anymore. Which is the case for most people across the globe. Naturally I rarely go out except to get food or go to the grocery store.
My mom calls me, I text my brother and a few friends but that’s about it.
I had been doing alright up until yesterday when I was bursting at the seams. I was about to lose it especially after I dragged all of my recycling to the recycling center to find it was closed! They took all the bins away!!
While I was working I texted my brother, “I’m so cranky I can’t even handle myself.”
It’s depression, it’s anxiety, it’s a longing to have life as it once was which I’m sure this is a worldwide feeling. I am not the only one feeling this.
My mental state was in good shape up until yesterday. I honestly thought I could handle this situation. I thought that I could be happy staying in my home with my boyfriend (when he’s not in work), pets, food and internet access.
I have been doing things that I enjoy first thing in the morning like exercising, reading, writing and learning. Maybe it’s not enough, maybe I need more.
How are you coping? Are you cracking or keeping yourself together?
As of today I will be working from home for a minimum of two weeks. Since everything I need to do can be done on a computer I was naturally one of the ones to get to stay home.
It’s weird so far even though it’s only 8:30 a.m.
There’s no rush to get ready. There’s no checking the clock every 15 minutes hoping I have enough time to scoop the cat litter box because I decided to sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
During this time I hope to take the first hour and a half to 2 hours in the morning for self care. To do the things I love or things that in general would be good for me.
This morning I am writing, one of my favorite activities. I have been slacking on my blog so now is the perfect time to get back into the groove of things. I hope to be able to keep a steady stream of content during these next two weeks.
I also hope to get a little exercise when my body is feeling up to it. I have chronic lower back pain which is flaring up because of exercise I did recently. My goal is to take a short walk or work out to an exercise YouTube video.
Practicing Japanese, reading a book or making a nice breakfast are all on my list of self care that I hope to implement while I’m at home. It is the perfect opportunity to take care of areas that I have been neglecting in my regular life.
Are you working from home or off work entirely because of the virus? If so, I hope you can also take some time to care for yourself!
On Thursday I spoke on the phone with a financial advisor to discuss, you know, finances. They asked me all sorts of questions about how I spend my money, if I have savings/IRAs/stocks/properties/etc. and what goals I have for the future.
Almost every time they asked a question about the future I said, “That’s a great questions, Christy. I honestly have no idea though.”
She asked questions about what my 3-5 year plans are and what I hope to achieve in 10 plus years. I was dumbfounded. I wracked my brain and had absolutely nothing to share with her but vague answers.
Of course I want to have enough money saved to live off of when I’m ready to retire. Of course I want to help support my parents when they get old. But beyond those basics, I have no idea what my life will look like or what I want out of this life.
In high school and college I could give you my plan. I would tell you the details, how many cats I would have and where I would be living and working.
Today I can’t tell you what I think the rest of 2020 will be like for me so how am I supposed to have an idea about the future?
I get really anxious that I don’t have a map for my life set out. I feel like I am behind, that I am failing because of this. But whenever I sit down to think about it, I still have no fucking clue what I want!
My career journey hasn’t been what I planned so I don’t know what I want to ultimately do anymore. I still live in my hometown which is something I never foresaw for myself. I always thought I would move away right after graduating university but that didn’t happen because of student debt.
Does the future overwhelm you like it does me? How do you set future goals for yourself and not get super anxious?
I want to check-in briefly before I head to bed to let you all know that I am ok. I didn’t hurt myself this weekend. Yay!!
Thank you so so so so much to everyone who left encouraging and positive comments on my last post. It seriously means so much to me that there are wonderful people cheering me on during my difficult times.
Like many of us with mental illness have learned, distracting ourselves can be the most helpful. I tried my best to keep busy but there were moments when I had to lay down. I ran out of energy.
I see my therapist tomorrow, we have a lot to discuss.
What has kept me in a neutral state is positive music. I have had BTS (a popular k-pop idol group) on repeat for days now. Do I know what they’re singing in their songs? No but they lift my spirits which is all that matters.
I hope that you are all doing alright!! Leave me a comment letting me know how you’re doing with your mental health. Also if you’re into BTS or K-Pop in general, what are your favorites songs or groups?
** This post is about self harm! If this post may trigger you, please skip this one. **
Most days my depression is concocting ways that I can hurt myself without resorting to cutting. Recently I can’t get those thoughts out of my head.
Yesterday I almost caved. I unintentionally distracted myself by cooking and watching YouTube so that worked out. But today I can’t shake the desire to hurt myself.
This past week I forced myself to eat shitty food because I know I shouldn’t. So. Much. Ice cream. Beyond that I have thought about doing things to myself that make me feel like I’m absolutely fucking insane.
Today I can’t stop thinking about drinking myself into a state tonight. I don’t even like drinking very much and getting drunk isn’t something I enjoy either. It usually makes me feel uncomfortable. But today the thought of drowning my destructive thoughts in a destructive way sounds great.
Would these thoughts ease up if I gave in to my desire to cut? Or would they get worse? Is it worth throwing away my clean streak of almost 2 years to find a few moments of relief?
Don’t worry, I’m seeing my therapist on Wednesday.
Hey everyone! I’m sorry I’ve been absent for so many weeks now. There has been so much going on in my life that has left me struggling to make it through the day.
The bullshit going on in my life I don’t have the courage to share with you. It is something out of my control but directly effects me.
I can’t seem to catch a break. It’s stupid situation after annoying accident and painful experience after another.
I’ve been leaning solely on my therapist because I don’t feel comfortable talking with anyone else about what’s going on. So I let my anxious mind run free to worry. I worry about the present and a lot about the future too.
The uncertainty of the future is terrifying to me. The worries bounce around in my brain nonstop.
Because of my depression and anxiety, I have wanted to self harm. I want all of this stress, anxiety and pain to end but at this point I see no end.
No matter what happens there is an inevitable ending where I am left alone in a pit of despair.