I’m on the verge of tears.
I want to scream.
I want to punch a punching bag until I wear myself out.
I want to lay in bed until the afternoon.
All for no real reason.
I’ve been working from home for exactly one week now so I don’t see many people anymore. Which is the case for most people across the globe. Naturally I rarely go out except to get food or go to the grocery store.
My mom calls me, I text my brother and a few friends but that’s about it.
I had been doing alright up until yesterday when I was bursting at the seams. I was about to lose it especially after I dragged all of my recycling to the recycling center to find it was closed! They took all the bins away!!
While I was working I texted my brother, “I’m so cranky I can’t even handle myself.”
It’s depression, it’s anxiety, it’s a longing to have life as it once was which I’m sure this is a worldwide feeling. I am not the only one feeling this.
My mental state was in good shape up until yesterday. I honestly thought I could handle this situation. I thought that I could be happy staying in my home with my boyfriend (when he’s not in work), pets, food and internet access.
I have been doing things that I enjoy first thing in the morning like exercising, reading, writing and learning. Maybe it’s not enough, maybe I need more.
How are you coping? Are you cracking or keeping yourself together?
On Thursday I spoke on the phone with a financial advisor to discuss, you know, finances. They asked me all sorts of questions about how I spend my money, if I have savings/IRAs/stocks/properties/etc. and what goals I have for the future.
Almost every time they asked a question about the future I said, “That’s a great questions, Christy. I honestly have no idea though.”
She asked questions about what my 3-5 year plans are and what I hope to achieve in 10 plus years. I was dumbfounded. I wracked my brain and had absolutely nothing to share with her but vague answers.
Of course I want to have enough money saved to live off of when I’m ready to retire. Of course I want to help support my parents when they get old. But beyond those basics, I have no idea what my life will look like or what I want out of this life.
In high school and college I could give you my plan. I would tell you the details, how many cats I would have and where I would be living and working.
Today I can’t tell you what I think the rest of 2020 will be like for me so how am I supposed to have an idea about the future?
I get really anxious that I don’t have a map for my life set out. I feel like I am behind, that I am failing because of this. But whenever I sit down to think about it, I still have no fucking clue what I want!
My career journey hasn’t been what I planned so I don’t know what I want to ultimately do anymore. I still live in my hometown which is something I never foresaw for myself. I always thought I would move away right after graduating university but that didn’t happen because of student debt.
Does the future overwhelm you like it does me? How do you set future goals for yourself and not get super anxious?
I want to check-in briefly before I head to bed to let you all know that I am ok. I didn’t hurt myself this weekend. Yay!!
Thank you so so so so much to everyone who left encouraging and positive comments on my last post. It seriously means so much to me that there are wonderful people cheering me on during my difficult times.
Like many of us with mental illness have learned, distracting ourselves can be the most helpful. I tried my best to keep busy but there were moments when I had to lay down. I ran out of energy.
I see my therapist tomorrow, we have a lot to discuss.
What has kept me in a neutral state is positive music. I have had BTS (a popular k-pop idol group) on repeat for days now. Do I know what they’re singing in their songs? No but they lift my spirits which is all that matters.
I hope that you are all doing alright!! Leave me a comment letting me know how you’re doing with your mental health. Also if you’re into BTS or K-Pop in general, what are your favorites songs or groups?
** This post is about self harm! If this post may trigger you, please skip this one. **
Most days my depression is concocting ways that I can hurt myself without resorting to cutting. Recently I can’t get those thoughts out of my head.
Yesterday I almost caved. I unintentionally distracted myself by cooking and watching YouTube so that worked out. But today I can’t shake the desire to hurt myself.
This past week I forced myself to eat shitty food because I know I shouldn’t. So. Much. Ice cream. Beyond that I have thought about doing things to myself that make me feel like I’m absolutely fucking insane.
Today I can’t stop thinking about drinking myself into a state tonight. I don’t even like drinking very much and getting drunk isn’t something I enjoy either. It usually makes me feel uncomfortable. But today the thought of drowning my destructive thoughts in a destructive way sounds great.
Would these thoughts ease up if I gave in to my desire to cut? Or would they get worse? Is it worth throwing away my clean streak of almost 2 years to find a few moments of relief?
Don’t worry, I’m seeing my therapist on Wednesday.
When your fears become a reality it’s scary. My stomach drops and I want to crawl under my desk to hide.
I started a new initiative at work that I was excited about. My boss was excited too. I spoke to all of the parties who would be involved with the initiative before the launch so everyone was on the same page.
The day came and everyone was blind sided somehow. I come in to emails that they are confused and frustrated even though I told everyone the launch date and they were to work shit out themselves.
Now it is on pause. I’m still the newbie at work so I feel like an idiot. I feel stupid for trying to do something innovative.
I can only blame myself for my failure. I clearly missed the mark on communication.
Having my worries realized feels like a win for my anxiety. I can already hear it saying, “of course you failed” and “now nobody is going to want to work with you again. They already don’t like you and now they have another reason why the think you’re shit.”
Is it 5 o’clock yet?
Is it ok to walk around the office with a paper bag over my head?
I have begun a massive project at work which is good for me but also giving me boat loads of anxiety.
I have been kinda bored at work because I don’t have any pressure put on me or any deadlines to meet. I’m a journalist by trade so I will probably forever have the mentality of a reporter even though I’m sadly not in that line of work right now.
My supervisor asked me in December to look into online scheduling for a testing service we provide for the community. There are 2 offices, the one I’m at has a full staff and space to do the testing. The other one is small and doesn’t have many staff members to carry the work load.
So I diligently did my work and found a great fit for the organization. But now that the wheels are in motion to make this a real thing, my anxiety is clawing at my insides.
Staff at the second office voiced concerns that made me doubt myself even though they were legit questions. I felt nervous and attacked even though that wasn’t the case at all.
Nobody enjoys failure but I am terrified of falling flat on my ass in front of all my coworkers. My boss sought me out to work here, I would hate to disappoint her by failing at my first big project.
I’m worried about every little bump in the road that could derail everything.
Yes, failing in life is part of life but I have always been afraid of it. If I fail, it confirms that I’m not good enough. It fuels my depression and anxiety.
Are you afraid of failure? How do you cope if you do fail?
Since September I have been telling myself that I need to find balance. That I am not able to balance everything going on in my life plus the things I need/want to have in my life.
My entire theme of 2020 was going to be about finding balance. During some reflection, I realized that deep down it’s about finding perfection, not balance.
I know I will never be perfect but I have struggled for a long time about wanting to be perfect. To be the perfect writer, girlfriend, daughter, sister, friend and all around human.
A balanced life is a perfect life in my eyes. Being able to juggle everything without having a meltdown every other week would be great! (Yeah that’s something I need to talk to my therapist about.)
I think I’ve been kidding myself with all this talk of balance. Yes I do want to have a more balanced life but I need to remind myself that I will never achieve a perfect life (or even a perfectly balanced one).
With this refreshed thought process about balance I need to reevaluate the word. How can I strive for balance without being swallowed whole by anxiety then dropped at the bottom of a hole with my depression?
Sigh. I left a message for my therapist so I hope I can get in next week.
Do you have anything you’re striving to achieve in 2020? Leave me a comment and tell me!