Am I the only one who gets super anxious after they make a mistake?
A few minutes ago I had a misunderstanding with the people at my side gig. Everything got worked out but I feel so guilty for misunderstanding!
As I’ve written about before, I struggle with a version of perfectionism that includes I should never make any mistakes. I should always have the correct answer, I should always understand others and I should never mess up.
The moment I huge up the phone my stomach dropped to my butt. My anxiety was ready with the negativity when I pressed “end.”
“Megan, why are you so stupid? You should have known that!”
“They’re going to fire you because of this. You’ve made too many mistakes. Your boss didn’t hire you to make mistakes and he could find somebody else to write who will be perfect.”
I know I can’t be perfect. Hannah Montana told us in 2007, nobody’s perfect.
Being serious, I need to overcome my anxiety and guilt after I make a mistake. I’m not sure how I do that but I don’t want to get gray hairs because of this issue. It takes such a tole on my mental state.
May is all about making other humans aware about mental health and all that comes along with it. So I want to cover a few things during this month in regards to mental health.
Here are some of the posts you can expect from me this May:
- Why mental health is just as important as physical health
- Awkwardness talking about mental illness
- Taking care of yourself and knowing your limits
This is all I have so far but these are some topics I want to touch on. It’s so important that everyone sees mental health as something we need to take care of. We need to care about our own mental well being and others’ too.
I hope you can find something of interest to you on my blog this month! Leave me a comment below if you have any other ideas for me!
In my last post I wrote about how social media and celebrities make me feel insecure about myself. I promised you guys a positive post so here it is!
Since the last post was about body image, I want to write about that again.
For most of my life I hated the way that I looked. I would compare myself to my peers and the girls I saw in magazines because I never looked like them.
I have bright, curly, red hair and am pale with freckles primarily on my arms. I almost never saw other girls with red curly hair so it made me feel like I was the only one like this. I also started puberty earlier than a lot of my peers so my body had curves for days and massive boobs in 8th grade which made me feel so awkward.
It took me many, many, many years to create the person I wanted to look like. I grew out my hair which my mom had cut short when I was a kid, I started wearing makeup and tried hard to lose weight (which didn’t happen until I was 23).
I hated the way that I looked for so long that it crushed my self-confidence. I had little faith in myself because I hated what I saw when I looked in the mirror. I didn’t get the attention from boys that some of my friends got which made me jealous.
I hate to give my ex-boyfriend credit for anything (this guy is trash but I’ll give him this one positive) but he helped me feel more confident in myself. I had never been complimented the way he complimented me. It helped to open my eyes to see that I am a beautiful person.
Of course I still struggle with being positive about my body but I have more good days than bad days now at the age of 26. Going to therapy has helped a lot too because if your mind isn’t in the right place, you can’t see the goodness on the inside or outside. My therapist helped me to see my own beauty.
My confidence comes from inside myself. I no longer need the external compliments from others because I already know that I am a beautiful human.
Have you struggled with body image issues? If so, have you been able to overcome them? How did you do that or how do you hope to accomplish that?
Maybe it’s just me but seeing perfect celebrities makes me feel like shit. I look at these women who are totally perfect (whether they are naturally that way, have a whole team putting them together or they had surgery to get there) I feel so much less than.
If somebody talks about how attractive and sexy a superstar like Beyonce or Nicki Minaj are I think to myself, “I’ll never look like that. What can I offer the world if I don’t look like her?”
I shouldn’t compare myself to these superstars but sometimes I do.
For most of my life I have compared myself to my peers in school and university. I would usually envy how thin they were compared to me, how they dress better than me or how naturally beautiful they were without the need for makeup. It was pretty difficult because I didn’t feel beautiful until my early 20s.
It also goes beyond just celebrities. Instagram can be a positive place but also one where perfect people go to show the world how perfect they are. I scroll through on the discover page and see women that I will never ever look like.
It makes me jealous, insecure and feel like a frumpy slug.
I asked myself, “Why can’t I look like that?” too often. It’s really not great for my mental health.
I sometimes think that if I looked more like some of the girls on Instagram that people would like me more. That my boyfriend would love me more if I looked that way. That he is settling for a frumpy slug when out there I’m sure is an Instagram model looking woman that he could be with.
I even consider deleting my makeup Instagram that I have put so much time and money into because I don’t think I’m pretty or talented enough compared to the others out there.
How does the Internet and social media apps like Insta effect your mental health? Does it ever make you feel insecure about yourself?
Next post is going to be more positive! I’ll write a positive rebuttal to this post so keep your eyes peeled for that soon!
This post is inspired by autumnskiesblog’s post on The Bipolar Writer. She wrote about how it is difficult for her to speak when somebody asks her a question or for her input. I relate to this so much so I wanted to share my experience too.
All throughout school I would almost never raise my hand to answer a question. Getting called on out of the blue was a fate as bad as getting yelled at by the teacher. Teachers felt like they had to call on me because I rarely raised my hand. I either didn’t have anything to say or I was nervous that my answer was wrong.
In college it was the same. One of my professors actually confronted me about it. Her name was Dr. Simcox, very smart and serious woman, who wondered why I never contributed in class. I flat out told her the truth.
I said, “I don’t have anything to say and I don’t want to get the answer wrong.”
I have always been afraid of sounding stupid or saying the wrong thing in front of a lot of people. Oddly enough I didn’t have those worries when I performed minor roles in the plays in high school.
Those fears have stayed with me all of my life. The fear of speaking up (even if it would mean something positive could happen for myself) has held me back. I often leave a situation regretting that I didn’t say something that I wanted to.
I’ve worked with my therapist to try to speak up in meetings at work or in general conversations with other humans. The conversations with my cats go very differently.
Yesterday I found the courage to speak up in a meeting. I don’t know where it came from but I opened my mouth and gave my opinion. My idea was shot down but I think that was good practice to realize that if I’m wrong about something, I can survive it.
Is there a clear line between someone who is introverted and someone who is choosing to isolate themselves? When does “needing alone time to recharge” go from something normal to the extreme of isolation?
I feel that I have become a routine isolationist of sorts. By that I mean that for so long, especially during some very low times in the last few years, I didn’t want to be around most people because I was so deeply depressed. I had zero energy to spend on others because I used it all up trying to get by day to day. I needed that energy for basics functions as well as being able to work a full-time and part-time job.
So being alone became a routine. I would cancel on people, I would keep my free time open so I could truly rest.
Right now (knock on wood) my mental health is in pretty good condition. Things are going well at the moment so I hope that things stay that way for a while.
Since my mental health is fine, why can’t I break out of my isolationist routine?
Maybe it’s because I don’t have any close friends in my life. Maybe I’m turning into a hermit. Maybe I’ve lost my ability to be social.
I had the opportunity today to have lunch with a friend but canceled. I got a flat tire today so I said I couldn’t do lunch because of that even though my tire is fixed. I totally could have gone, but I chose not to.
My therapist encourages me to make friends and go out and do things but I find it very challenging to do when my comfort zone is so cozy.
For ages my therapist has been encouraging me to try to make some friends. She asks me on a semi-regular basis whether I’ve made any new friends or if I’ve hung out with any friends since I’ve seen her last (I have sessions once a month since I’ve been doing well mentally).
Often the answer is no.
Right now I have one good friend that I work with and speak to outside of work. We talk about our personal lives and text/call each other rather regularly. She’s really the only one.
It’s pretty sad when I reflect on the fact that I don’t really have any friends anymore. All of my best friends from high school live in different states, none of my college friends live nearby and former co-worker friends have drifted away.
I feel jealous sometimes because I feel like everybody has friends but me. I wish I had a friend that I could get coffee with or go shopping with.
As an adult I don’t know how you can make friends outside of work and religious gatherings. I don’t believe in any religion, I don’t join clubs, I’m not into the bar/pub scene and when I go to the gym I don’t speak to anybody.
My therapist has made so many suggestions on how to make friends but I shoot them down.
I often spend time with my family or my boyfriend when I’m hanging out with other humans. I visit my grandmother on a regular basis especially since she has been quite ill. I sometimes will take my younger cousin out for lunch or shopping. I spend time with my mom and brother pretty often as well.
Family is important to me but I think that concept only came about because I don’t have friends to occupy my time anymore.
I mainly spend my time alone.
I read books, practice Japanese, read the news, watch YouTube and watch tv shows or movies. I write on here too!
I’m more introverted so I don’t hate spending most of my free time alone. But there are times, like tonight, when I wish that I had a friend to hang out with.