Working On Us Prompt

Ashley from Mental Health @ Home has been doing these weekly prompts and I am finally going to participate! Check her out here.

 

  • Does social media affect your overall mental health?  If so, please describe how it does affect you? 

It definitely affects my mental health. I have a makeup Instagram account where I see other people’s beautiful artistry and faces and I get a little jealous. I wish that I could be that talented or look that way. Especially if someone is sharing photos in a cute outfit, I am usually comparing myself to them which is never a positive thing.

  • How does it make you feel when you see family/friends posting pictures of them living their life happily?  

It usually makes me glad especially if it’s about something good happening in their lives. A friend of mine recently had a baby after years of trying to get pregnant. It makes me happy knowing she got to start a family, something she’s always wanted. Sometimes I’m jealous when I see friends traveling cool places because I know that I can’t afford it right now.

  • Do the following people make you feel inadequate in any way due to your mental health?    

Sometimes yes. It sometimes makes me question if I’ve been living my life correctly. Whatever the hell that even means. I wonder if I made different choices if my life would be more like theirs. Living in cities, traveling and having lots of friends.

  • What has been your overall experience with social media?  And, what sites do you follow?

I have grown less and less interested in it as I age. I started using social media in middle school when I got my first MySpace page. And if we are talking about sites like Neopets, I was on there in third grade. I share less and less because I don’t want to anymore. If somebody wants to know what’s going on in my life, ask me. I don’t think the world needs to know my life or my opinions on things.
I’m on Facebook, have 2 Instagram accounts and LinkedIn.

I have recently joined two Facebook groups, something I never did before, where people talk about two anime that I watch. I don’t have anyone else to talk about them with so I went to find people I could discuss it with. It’s been a positive thing for me!

  • Have you considered not being on social media?  

Yes I have. I’ve thought about it but I also like knowing what other people are up to. I want to see what they share and so I can keep up with them. Also one of my friends lives in Greece (we met on Instagram) and that’s the primary way we communicate. I wouldn’t want to ditch Facebook and lose that friendship.

  • If you have quit social media sites, has it improved your mental health and stability?  

I was previously on Twitter but quit after being dumped in 2016. I couldn’t cope with any social media but for some reason Twitter was a sad place for me.

  • Has social media ever triggered you in a negative way?  Explain how?  

Yes, it has made me question whether I’m worthy because of how somebody else’s life is being portrayed online.

 

Yes, Another Post About Eating

You wouldn’t think that food would be such a complex thing but it really is. It should be simple but it’s far from it.

Today I felt relatively in control. I didn’t have any major binge sessions but I still overate. I need to get my mind out of the habit of eating a lot. Since my emotional/stress eating was going on for weeks, now I’m in this habit to eat like crazy even if I’m doing fine.

I did really well at work listening to my body for most of the day. The afternoon is where I slipped up but it’s ok. It’s better than doing bad all day!

Tomorrow is a new day where I can try to be better at ignoring my desires to eat more than I need.

What triggered my eating today was being bored. I can get so bored at work if I don’t have a pressing deadline or a busy day. Even if I give myself pretend deadlines, they don’t help because I made them up so I can break them and it doesn’t matter. I try to keep my mind busy but it doesn’t always happen.

I’ve been in a fog at work. It feels like my eyes glaze over and I could fall asleep right at my desk. I don’t know if I need motivation or more coffee but something has got to change because I can hardly get through a work day.

How do you all get through a boring day at work?

A Sibling Rift

My brother and I have always been close since the day he was born. His birthday on March 29, 1995 is my first memory. Him and I growing up were always each other’s playmate and went through a lot together.

I don’t think I would have survived childhood without my brother.

Lately I’ve felt a rift between us. A rift that has never been there before in all our years as siblings so I’m not sure how to handle it.

Of course we have argued about everything, had physical brawls where usually he got hurt since I’m older (poor kid) and had general disagreements. But he’s never been so distant from me before.

Every Sunday we have lunch with our dad; this has been tradition since my parents got divorced in ’98.

Last week our dad was asking me questions about the house I’m buying, like any normal parent, but the entire time I felt very strong, negative energy radiating from my brother. The moment that conversation was over, the bad vibes vanished.

I know my brother doesn’t agree with my choice to buy a house with someone I’m not married to but in my eyes that’s no reason to create distance between us. We also haven’t spoke as often lately so I’m not sure how to interpret that either.

We have always been close so I don’t know why he hasn’t confronted me about what is going on. I don’t know if he thinks he’s too good for his sinful sister or what but I don’t like the rift that keeps growing.

I hope him and I can work this out. The last thing I want is for us to have our 24 year-long relationship to fall apart over disapproval.

I’m All Shook Up

You said it, Elvis!

I seem to always have some annoying health issue going on. At the beginning of the year I was having serious issues with my asthma then I hurt my lower back which caused me severe pain. Now I’m having tremors in my hands.

As many of you who’ve been reading my blog for a while know I love makeup. I love doing my makeup, talking about it, looking at it, all that stuff. I noticed the tremors when I was putting on my mascara and eyeliner a week or two ago.

I thought, “That’s weird. I’ve never been shaky like this before.”

Since then it seems to only be getting worse. It’s worse in the morning then it usually mellows out for the most part by the end of the day. I’m really feeling it this morning so my anxious mind is taking this and running with it.

It’s calming down a little after eating breakfast at the office.

I get so anxious about health related shit. Right now I worry that this is a sign of early on-set Parkinson’s, ALS or MS. I really hope it’s not and it’s something else. The thought of that makes me want to throw up.

I did a little reading and you can have shaky hands from a B12 deficiency, a thyroid issue (which runs in my family) or reacting badly to caffeine.

I’ve rarely had a issue with caffeine, I know my limits and what causes jitters. I can’t drink the very popular cold brew drinks, they have me wired and shaking.

As for B12 I am a vegetarian so getting regular doses of B12 doesn’t always happen. I have started taking supplements for it but it does not seem to be making a difference.

My anxiety is on high. I have an appointment with my doctor but it’s not until next week. I don’t think I can worry I have Parkinson’s for 5 more days.

Cross your fingers for me that I can get in today or tomorrow!

Not Having the Words

There’s so many feelings in my life that I have not been able to convey because I don’t have the right words. Recently I was given a small heel lift for my left shoe and for the first time, my body feels even.

For a very long time I always felt like my body was crooked. I could feel that somehow my body was off kilter but I thought it was all in my head.

Until Friday.

I’ve been seeing a chiropractor to help treat my lower back pain. Her and I have worked not just on my lower back but loosening and evening out my pelvis and fixing how I walk (most of my family and I walk like ducks).

She told me that my left leg is slightly shorter than my right one so she gave me a short heel lift to fit in my shoes. After she cracked my pelvis and I got treated by one of the therapist ladies, they put the lift in my shoe.

“How’s it feel, Megan?”

I told her it was the first time I felt even in my body! It was odd but quite comfortable to have my pelvis evenly balanced.

Until last week I never had an explanation for why I felt crooked. The older I get the and the more I learn, I find out that a lot of my thoughts have answers and reasons behind them.

Have you ever not had the words to describe something until you heard it from somebody else?

Taking a Break

Hey everyone! I’m sorry I haven’t been very active this week on my blog, I feel like I’ve been going non-stop for days and haven’t had a moment to write for fun.

All week I’ve been getting up extra early to take care of some dogs before work and now I’m watching a different dog, this one I’ve been taking care of for years. Then of course full days of work, my chronic lower back pain has been annoying me and I’ve had general busyness after work too.

I took this upcoming week off and I’m so happy I did. I could really use some time to breathe!

My head is still spinning from this past week so I’m trying my best to calm down this evening. When you’re going on full speed, it gets exhausting by day 5. I keep checking the mental list in my mind with what’s next.

Once I get a good night sleep I am going to write about my back pain that has really become a burden in my life for a month.

Sigh.

We need some positivity so here are three things going well and what I’m looking forward.

  1. The new Jonas Brother’s album makes me grin from ear to ear 🙂
  2. I get to pet cats tomorrow
  3. No work for an entire week!

Living for Everyone Else

All my life I’ve always felt that I had to live my life following the orders of others. Mainly my mom. That if she didn’t want me to do something, I obeyed.

At 26 I am finally wrestling with the concept that I need to live my life for myself, on my terms.

I have been living to please other people since I was young. I always thought that if I did what I wanted I was selfish because I should always think of others before myself. That my needs are not as important as somebody else’s needs or happiness.

Here’s an example.

During my final semester of high school I wanted to take a fun class because that’s what seniors in high school do. I had registered to take ceramics, something I had always wanted to learn how to do. I told my mom I was going to take ceramics instead of Honors Spanish 4 because they were at the same time.

She flipped. She asked me why I wouldn’t take a useful class like Spanish instead of wasting my time in ceramics. That Spanish I could use in the real world while ceramics I would never do again after graduation.

I was hurt. I never imagined that she wouldn’t support me in trying something new that I had been interested in.

The next day I went to my guidance counselor and asked to switch me out of ceramics for Spanish.

After school I told my mom I transferred out and she looked at me surprised. “Why did you switch out? I didn’t tell you to switch out.” She may not have told me to transfer but I had been programmed to do what she told me to do even if I didn’t want to.

As I continue to grow into my true self, I am figuring out that I can’t be happy if my goal is to please my mom. I love her but I’m not here to live in obedience to her.

Do you struggle with pleasing others? Please leave me comment letting me know!