2 Years

The moment is still as clear to me as when it happened exactly two years ago when I had my first suicidal thought.

A few days earlier I had sank into a deep depression after a bad breakup. Those days were filled with lots of tears, laying in bed and hugging my cats.

Two years ago I attended an event for my former job and in my ear I heard loud and clear, “kill yourself.” I heard it over and over again. I never had experienced anything like it before.

I was absolutely terrified.

After the event ended I drove home as fast as I could. I called my therapist, who I had only seen once at that point, who did not answer her phone. So I called the suicide crisis hotline and spoke to a really nice woman who encouraged me that I would be alright.

We talked and she helped to calm me down until my therapist returned my phone call.

The rest of the day was a blur. I know I went back to work to write my story then I left.

Those suicidal thoughts flew around in my brain for months until I got on the right antidepressant. Check out my post here about that journey!

Two years later I am still living. Two years ago I could not have envisioned getting to age 25. I could barely see myself getting to the end of each week, thinking long term wasn’t possible for me to do.

In my next post, I’m going to talk about the different things I did to soothe myself when the suicidal thoughts were too loud.

Thank you for reading this, sharing this day with someone makes me vulnerable but I want to show others that they are not alone.

Pills and more pills

Making the choice to go on medication for any sort of problem can be huge. Two years ago my therapist suggested I go on antidepressants to help with my overwhelming suicidal thoughts.

At first I did not want to. I thought I would make it through this season and all I needed

was talk therapy to get by. But days turned into weeks and I still was seriously struggling with my depression and anxiety. So I took the plunge to try using medicine to make me feel better.

Guys I’ll be honest, finding the right medicine for me took six long months. I would try a new pill almost once a month and increase my dose until I could not go any higher.

Every time nothing worked. I wouldn’t feel any better and often times I felt nauseous. It was awful.

One of the worst experiences for me was having withdrawal. I had been taking one medicine for probably six weeks and it was not helping so my doctor switched me to the next brand on a list my psychiatrist made for me.

It was possibly two of the worst days of 2017. I had been uncontrollably crying for hours, I couldn’t stop the tears no matter how hard I tried. I felt nauseous, anxious and that I was actually losing my shit. I was absolutely terrified.

I called my boyfriend who had been at home with a cold to come over on a Sunday afternoon. He didn’t quite understand what was happening either but he held me while I cried and watched Star Wars.

Only after speaking to my therapist during the week I found out that I was experiencing withdrawal.

Don’t let my experience scare you or make you doubt that antidepressants can help people. Once I found my right medicine at the right dose, it all worked out. I have been on it for a year and a half and I’m doing pretty good!

I’m sorry this is so long!! I just had a lot to say about the topic of medicine for mental illness. I hope my story helped you to better understand how it can benefit people and give you the strength to go on medicine if that is the right choice for you.

Suicide Prevention Week

Every September I look forward to Suicide Prevention Week. For one week out of the year, the mental health community comes together to discuss the various aspects of suicide. It is a time that we can all talk about a topic that is often swept under the rug and ignored.

Suicide is something that is very close to my heart and is a major part of my mental health journey. I had struggled with severe depression two years ago which manifested into constant suicidal thoughts. Every day for months my brain would say, “Just kill yourself.” I heard it so often that I thought that maybe I should.

What truly helped me was contacting healthcare professionals which was the best choice I could have made. I got myself a therapist, I saw my doctor and eventually saw a psychiatrist. Their support and genuine desire to help me changed the game.

I went to therapy twice a week and had monthly checkups with my doctor to find the right medicine for me. I’ll talk about both of these topics more in a future post.

If you’re reading this and struggling, I have been at rock bottom and I survived. You can live, you can make it through this. I truly believe in you.

If you need to talk to someone please call the crisis hotline at 1-800-273-TALK. The person on the other end of the line has helped me multiple times. I cannot thank them enough.