Body Image Anxiety

This summer I have a few weddings that I am attending and one that I am going to be a bridesmaid in. In late August my cousin Jess is getting married so it will be the first time the entire family will be together in a long time. Then in September my brother is getting married which I have finally wrapped my head around.

Sure it’ll be great seeing my family and getting to play a part in my brother’s big day BUT I keep worrying about my weight.

In May I decided I was going to stick to an exercise routine and eat around 1,200 calories per day (I’m 5′ 4″). Since then everything has gone down hill which has derailed my efforts. I have been struggling with lower back pain that has prevented me from exercising and I’ve now had back to back fevers.

There is no way I will make it to my goal weight by August 23 for my cousin’s wedding. I keep imaging my family judging me for my weight or making rude comments (to my face or behind my back).

Even for September I don’t know if I’ll be at the weight I’m aiming for. I don’t want to look back on my brother’s wedding photos and cringe at how fat I think I look.

As the days creep closer, my anxiety gets a little louder. I am getting more and more worried about how I will look.

If I am being rational and positive, I’m technically at a normal weight bordering on overweight. Also I’m not going to be anybody’s focus because neither of those days are about me, they’re about the people getting married!

Sigh, I hate weight related anxieties.

So Cranky

I haven’t been sleeping well which I think is the cause of my crankiness. I have been snapping at my family and getting frustrated easily over these last couple weeks.

On Sunday I kept arguing with my brother for no reason. I would pick a fight over nothing at all. As it was happening I asked, “Why am I arguing about this?”

Yesterday I was picking up food to serve at my work’s day camp. Everybody at the store took forever to help me so it took me longer than I wanted it to. I saw the clock and flipped out to myself because I was worried the kids wouldn’t get lunch in time.

But when I got back to work, the kids weren’t even ready for lunch. They were still doing their activity. So I got all worked up and angry for no reason.

I spoke to my therapist about it and she said it could be lack of sleep or it could depression/anxiety. I have been having spurts of depression and anxiety lately but nothing serious.

I struggled with my anger as a kid and teenager. It feels like that but not nearly as intense.

Do you struggle with your anger? Do you have any coping mechanisms that help you stay in control?

I Overcame My Fears!

Guys, I’m back and ready to write about mental health once again! I have a positive story to share today. I overcame my fear of traveling alone (check this post if you don’t know what I’m writing about)!!

Today I got home from my trip to a new city to see my beloved Ariana Grande. As some of you know I named this blog after her song “Be Alright” so seeing her perform was an emotional experience for me. I also plan to get this tattooed on my body at some point soon.

I am about to sound so dumb but I cried multiple times during her show. The first note she belted out my eyes welled up with tears. It was a mix of her amazing voice, disbelief that I was there and how much her music means to me.

When she sang “Be Alright” I was so moved because I really needed to hear those lyrics last night. To translate into regular words, she said, all of these tears will come and go, everything will be alright.

That song has been one I’ve gone back to over and over again when I’m going through a difficult time. “Be Alright” is more than a pop song to me, it is encouragement that things may be hard now but eventually it will be ok. It’s the equivalent of a friend giving me a hug after I’ve spilled my guts to them.

I had tears streaming down my face during her song “Needy”. If you experience anxiety and/or depression, I think there’s a good chance you will also connect deeply with this song. When I first heard it, I cried so of course I cried when she sang it live.

The 2nd verse lyrics are, “Sorry if I’m up and down a lot / Sorry that I think I’m not enough / And sorry if I say sorry way too much.” That sums me up pretty well.

Singing and crying at her show was a wonderful and emotional experience that I am so happy that I had. Overcoming my fears was 100% worth it.

Leave me a comment below of your favorite Ariana song! And even if you don’t enjoy her music still leave me a comment please!

My dad’s favorite is “Bang Bang” which he was disappointed that she didn’t perform, hahaha! My dad is so strange.

Taking a Break

Hey everyone! I’m sorry I haven’t been very active this week on my blog, I feel like I’ve been going non-stop for days and haven’t had a moment to write for fun.

All week I’ve been getting up extra early to take care of some dogs before work and now I’m watching a different dog, this one I’ve been taking care of for years. Then of course full days of work, my chronic lower back pain has been annoying me and I’ve had general busyness after work too.

I took this upcoming week off and I’m so happy I did. I could really use some time to breathe!

My head is still spinning from this past week so I’m trying my best to calm down this evening. When you’re going on full speed, it gets exhausting by day 5. I keep checking the mental list in my mind with what’s next.

Once I get a good night sleep I am going to write about my back pain that has really become a burden in my life for a month.

Sigh.

We need some positivity so here are three things going well and what I’m looking forward.

  1. The new Jonas Brother’s album makes me grin from ear to ear 🙂
  2. I get to pet cats tomorrow
  3. No work for an entire week!

Living for Everyone Else

All my life I’ve always felt that I had to live my life following the orders of others. Mainly my mom. That if she didn’t want me to do something, I obeyed.

At 26 I am finally wrestling with the concept that I need to live my life for myself, on my terms.

I have been living to please other people since I was young. I always thought that if I did what I wanted I was selfish because I should always think of others before myself. That my needs are not as important as somebody else’s needs or happiness.

Here’s an example.

During my final semester of high school I wanted to take a fun class because that’s what seniors in high school do. I had registered to take ceramics, something I had always wanted to learn how to do. I told my mom I was going to take ceramics instead of Honors Spanish 4 because they were at the same time.

She flipped. She asked me why I wouldn’t take a useful class like Spanish instead of wasting my time in ceramics. That Spanish I could use in the real world while ceramics I would never do again after graduation.

I was hurt. I never imagined that she wouldn’t support me in trying something new that I had been interested in.

The next day I went to my guidance counselor and asked to switch me out of ceramics for Spanish.

After school I told my mom I transferred out and she looked at me surprised. “Why did you switch out? I didn’t tell you to switch out.” She may not have told me to transfer but I had been programmed to do what she told me to do even if I didn’t want to.

As I continue to grow into my true self, I am figuring out that I can’t be happy if my goal is to please my mom. I love her but I’m not here to live in obedience to her.

Do you struggle with pleasing others? Please leave me comment letting me know!

Mistakes Make Me Feel Guilty

Am I the only one who gets super anxious after they make a mistake?

A few minutes ago I had a misunderstanding with the people at my side gig. Everything got worked out but I feel so guilty for misunderstanding!

As I’ve written about before, I struggle with a version of perfectionism that includes I should never make any mistakes. I should always have the correct answer, I should always understand others and I should never mess up.

The moment I huge up the phone my stomach dropped to my butt. My anxiety was ready with the negativity when I pressed “end.”

“Megan, why are you so stupid? You should have known that!”

“They’re going to fire you because of this. You’ve made too many mistakes. Your boss didn’t hire you to make mistakes and he could find somebody else to write who will be perfect.”

I know I can’t be perfect. Hannah Montana told us in 2007, nobody’s perfect.

Being serious, I need to overcome my anxiety and guilt after I make a mistake. I’m not sure how I do that but I don’t want to get gray hairs because of this issue. It takes such a tole on my mental state.

Overwhelmed and Anxious

My boyfriend and I are taking a big step and are looking to buy a house together.

I’m absolutely terrified that I’m going to mess up this process. I’m overwhelmed by all the steps it takes to make this happen like getting pre-approved for a mortgage and setting up house tours.

I am afraid of everything that has to go into this process. I feel like I am going to mess everything up for myself and him. That by the end of it I will have ruined our credit scores, destroyed our relationship, get screwed over and be given a ridiculously high mortgage payment.

I have been rather calm lately but now that we have started this process I can’t help but ruminate on the possibly that I will f*ck it all up. That all of the stuff that can go wrong, will go wrong and it will be all my fault.

I’m not adult enough for this. I’m not smart enough to make the best decisions.

Right now I feel like a child who is getting in way over her head.

What if I ruin everything? I can’t repair a credit score or a relationship if I’ve done serious damage to it. I’m so afraid of failing.