I’m not sure exactly where this feeling stems from but if anybody says that I’m annoying it automatically throws me into a pile of guilt and anxiety.
I ruminate on what I should I have done differently to not be so annoying.
“I should have kept to myself,”
“Why didn’t you take a hint that you were being annoying before it got to this point?,” and
“Of course you are annoying people, Megan! Nobody likes you so why would they want to be around you/hear from drivel?”
If you’re around my age or even a little older you might remember using AOL or MSN Instant Messenger (IM) to chat with your friends and strangers in the 00s and beginning of ’10s before Facebook created its own IM system.
Since I’m working from home I have to communicate with my coworkers via email and Google Chat (it’s IM). In April I was IMing one of my coworkers who I would consider a friend. She and I would message throughout the day chatting about all sorts of things.
Recently she stopped messaging me. I messaged her last week and didn’t get a reply. So I’ve been reflecting on that, wondering if it’s because I am annoying.
God this sounds like I’m in middle school but there’s no buddy icons or cool sound effects!
For the second half of last week I kept beating myself up about it. On repeat I told myself I shouldn’t have been messaging her on such a regular basis. If she wanted to talk to me, she would have reached out on her own!
I imagined in my head that she must have been so annoyed with me. Asking why I am wasting her time, why I am always bothering her and why I can’t take a hint.
Maybe I’m just an annoying person who hasn’t learned to keep her mouth shut.
I have been feeling extra cranky, I’m not sure if it’s because of the quarantine or because I’m going to have my period soonish. Whichever the reason, my patience is thin.
Any small issue I get instantly annoyed. I came back from the grocery store and was drying off my dog after she went out into the yard in the rain. As I ran the towel over her head I sensed myself being irritated for no reason.
I said to her, “I’m feeling cranky and it’s only 10:30 a.m.”
Even writing this post I am feeling tired, angry and want to sleep so I don’t have to deal with myself.
I hate being cranky, my own crankiness annoys me which makes me more cranky. It’s a real cycle that I hate.
To nip this in the butt I am going to be easy on myself today. I won’t expect myself to do a hundred tasks, clean the house top to bottom or anything like that. I am going to care for myself so this doesn’t get worse.
I haven’t been sleeping well which I think is the cause of my crankiness. I have been snapping at my family and getting frustrated easily over these last couple weeks.
On Sunday I kept arguing with my brother for no reason. I would pick a fight over nothing at all. As it was happening I asked, “Why am I arguing about this?”
Yesterday I was picking up food to serve at my work’s day camp. Everybody at the store took forever to help me so it took me longer than I wanted it to. I saw the clock and flipped out to myself because I was worried the kids wouldn’t get lunch in time.
But when I got back to work, the kids weren’t even ready for lunch. They were still doing their activity. So I got all worked up and angry for no reason.
I spoke to my therapist about it and she said it could be lack of sleep or it could depression/anxiety. I have been having spurts of depression and anxiety lately but nothing serious.
I struggled with my anger as a kid and teenager. It feels like that but not nearly as intense.
Do you struggle with your anger? Do you have any coping mechanisms that help you stay in control?