Anxiety Attacks

Last night I woke up to my heart pounding in my ears, my dark room spinning and my brain was in fight/flight mode. I began to have an anxiety attack.

Yesterday I let my boyfriend down in a multitude of ways. I disappointed him. Then I was going to stay the night but decided to go home instead. The whole drive home I regretted it because I saw in his face how sad he felt that I was leaving.

I cried and cried all the way home. Every exit I passed I regretted that I didn’t take it to turn around to go back to my love.

Once I got in bed I fell asleep immediately. A half hour later my brain jolted me awake by suffocating me with an anxiety attack. A racing heart and the feeling of impending doom.

My anxiety whispered so softly that I could barely hear it. It didn’t call me a failure. It didn’t call me a terrible girlfriend/person. It whispered, “why didn’t you stay?”

Over and over my feelings of regret had me tossing and turning from the evening into the morning. I still am recovering from this long anxiety attack.

In the morning I had to take anxiety medicine to help calm me down. I laid in bed wishing to be wrapped in his arms where I feel the most safe and loved. Sadly last night I made the dumb decision that I didn’t want to be cuddled in the morning. Oh Megan!

When I feel regret I usually feel it pretty intensely. I think it all goes back to how I wasn’t being my best self and already feeling guilty about the choices that I made yesterday.

After all of that I am really going to step up my game for him.

He needs me to support him in his recent job promotion which has come with a big shift switch.

He needs me to work on my anxious thoughts that tell me that everybody hates me. It hurts him when I lash out because of my anxiety. It hurts our relationship in many ways.

Yesterday  I was saying how everybody hates me, his reply was, “Megan there is nothing wrong with you.” Writing that out brought me to tears. It means so much to hear the person I’m in love with say that about me despite seeing my every flaw.

He needs me to just be honest and be myself.

So that anxiety attack maybe was a strange, weird blessing because I am now able to see how I can improve and be better for my man.

A Burden

I don’t know if I will ever feel like an important person. Not important as in somebody with influence or fame. I mean someone whose purpose is a meaningful one, someone who matters.

I have felt this way for most of my life so it’s ingrained in my mind.

Other people I can see are important. Others do good in the world and make things better whether for people, animals or the environment. I see people make an impact that I don’t think I ever will be able to do.

I bring down the mood. I make those closest to me sad. I only add problems and hurdles into the lives of those around me.

I feel like a prickly sea urchin that nobody wants to touch. That my mental illness makes me undesirable. That it creates more issues than anything else. That it has made me rotten from the inside out.

I am a burden.

I take up space.

I don’t think anybody likes me.

The only person who actually loves me is my mom. Which of course she does, she’s my mom! She has to love me.

I think about myself in all aspects of life and how if I wasn’t there, there would be room for somebody better.

Like at work, if I quit that would make room for somebody with much more talent than me. In my relationship, he could find somebody 100 times better than me in an instant. It wouldn’t take much looking to do either of those tasks.

Same goes for being a daughter, friend and sister too.

I’m not perfect at all but I wish that I was. I wish I could write beautiful words and create stunning graphics at work. I wish I had no issues, triggers or problems to put on the shoulders of my boyfriend and family.

I’m not considering ending my life so don’t worry about that. I have that sorted out for the most part (thank you therapy and medicine!).

Is this a big shit session directed at myself? Absolutely.

Sorry this was so long and incredibly negative. I really needed to get this off my chest. I don’t have therapy until Thursday so I decided to toss my thoughts up on here.

My Brain Hates Me

My suicidal thoughts and urges to self harm are back with a vengeance. I haven’t had these incredibly strong thoughts buzzing in my brain for a long time.

For months my mental health was really good, I truly felt like myself.

Don’t worry reading this, I don’t plan to act on any of my brain’s ideas. I’m doing my very best to rationalize everything. My therapist has told me to not believe every thought my brain creates because my brain tells me lies. I am seeing her tomorrow so we can talk about all of this.

My brain tells me that if I kill myself, I will make the rest of the world happier. That until I end my life, cutting is the only way that I can ease the pain of my depression.

Like wtf!?

To somebody who has never struggled with mental illness and has to fight their own brain every single day, those previous sentences probably make no sense. They make no sense to me as I read those words back to myself.

Mental illness puts us into this mindset where nothing makes any logical sense. Your brain bullies you into a corner shouting all sorts of stuff that it wants you to take as fact.

Right now, my brain is doing exactly that. I don’t know if it’s just a wave of depression or maybe my antidepressant isn’t working as well anymore.

It makes me sad knowing that this time last month I was happy. I was totally content with everything but now it has all gone to shit.

When I get into this state my therapist says to list some things that are going well and what I am looking forward to. So here it goes!

What’s going well?
– I ate 2 carrots today
– I got all my work done at work today
– I painted my nails blue

What am I looking forward to?
– Ariana Grande’s new album comes out on Feb. 8
– I think I’ll get to eat cake at work tomorrow
– Therapy tomorrow

That took me a little bit but I made it through!

Coming Up For Air

Holy hell it has been a whirlwind of the past few days! I’m ready for a vacation from my weekend.

*Random side note: I think if I actually saw a whale I would cry. Like seriously, how beautiful is this photo?!?*

If you read this post and this post, you will know that I have really been struggling with my mental health because of PMS. Throughout last week but specifically this past weekend, everything felt like it was falling apart.

This afternoon I finally felt like I could breathe properly. Like I could finally swim up to the top and take a massive gasp of air.

The morning was total shit. When I’m on my period or PMSing, I get angry so easily which was the definition of my morning. I woke up angry, showered in anger, I was angry working at my side gig and finally when I got home, a sigh of relief.

I had lunch with my mom, took a nap and when I woke up, everything seemed better. I felt like the rocky waves were finally calming down.

I’ve been able to get some work done tonight for my side gig which really shows that I am getting back to my semi-normal self.

The mental strain of severe PMS makes everything in life the absolute worst. Since this past week was so bad, I really want to find out what I can do to help with these intense emotions.

When I was sad this weekend, I was sobbing. When I was sleepy, I laid in bed for 5 hours doing nothing. I barely had the energy to watch anything! You know it’s bad when the thought of looking at a screen for multiple minutes sounds exhausting.

I debated dipping into old habits just because I felt like nothing else would make me feel any better.

I even had a freaking panic attack! Somehow I was able to calm myself down very quickly which I am proud of myself for. I am lucky that I almost never get panic attacks so when they happen randomly, it’s confusing for me.

This isn’t normal at all. I should not be feeling such intense mental pain when I’m already taking an antidepressant. It’s not a wimpy one either!

I’m sure I’m not the only person out there really struggling with their mental health when they are PMSing or on their period. I am going to keep you all updated so that maybe somehow somebody reading this doesn’t feel so alone.

I see my therapist in a few days so hopefully she has some answers for me.

Pills and more pills

Making the choice to go on medication for any sort of problem can be huge. Two years ago my therapist suggested I go on antidepressants to help with my overwhelming suicidal thoughts.

At first I did not want to. I thought I would make it through this season and all I needed

was talk therapy to get by. But days turned into weeks and I still was seriously struggling with my depression and anxiety. So I took the plunge to try using medicine to make me feel better.

Guys I’ll be honest, finding the right medicine for me took six long months. I would try a new pill almost once a month and increase my dose until I could not go any higher.

Every time nothing worked. I wouldn’t feel any better and often times I felt nauseous. It was awful.

One of the worst experiences for me was having withdrawal. I had been taking one medicine for probably six weeks and it was not helping so my doctor switched me to the next brand on a list my psychiatrist made for me.

It was possibly two of the worst days of 2017. I had been uncontrollably crying for hours, I couldn’t stop the tears no matter how hard I tried. I felt nauseous, anxious and that I was actually losing my shit. I was absolutely terrified.

I called my boyfriend who had been at home with a cold to come over on a Sunday afternoon. He didn’t quite understand what was happening either but he held me while I cried and watched Star Wars.

Only after speaking to my therapist during the week I found out that I was experiencing withdrawal.

Don’t let my experience scare you or make you doubt that antidepressants can help people. Once I found my right medicine at the right dose, it all worked out. I have been on it for a year and a half and I’m doing pretty good!

I’m sorry this is so long!! I just had a lot to say about the topic of medicine for mental illness. I hope my story helped you to better understand how it can benefit people and give you the strength to go on medicine if that is the right choice for you.