I’m at a spot in my life where I have so much going on in my head and heart that I’m terrified to look inside. The thought of sitting down to reflect on my own, in a blog post or with my trusted therapist scare me. I know if I open the box, I can’t close it.
I feel that if I dive into what is troubling me, I’ll cry and never be able to stop. So instead I keep pushing it down, sweeping it under the rug. Right now the pile under this imaginary rug is the size of both of my cats.
I can’t bare to face reality or the truth I keep tucked away in my heart. It’s much too painful for me to come to terms with.
I want to talk to my therapist about it but I don’t have the strength. Every day I consider making an appointment but I can’t. This is the first time that i am having trouble opening up to my therapist. She has seen me at my worst, seen me cry countless times.
But what’s making me sad, I can’t speak it. Because if I say it that makes it real, it makes it true.
I’m not ready for the truth. I just want to live in my comfort zone for a while longer. I’m not ready to give it up.
This coming week I might be returning to the office for one or two days. I don’t want to go but I know the longer I put this off, the more difficult the transition will be. To help with my transition, I am going to create my own anxiety emergency kit for my mental health.
Essential oils and diffuser – Nobody wants to sit in a musty basement and breathe in all the smells of a basement. To be fair, this basement is pretty clean and well kept but that’s not the point! Essential oils help me relax and put me in a better head space.
Adorable stress ball – I got this little stress ball that is a chubby dog in a yellow hoodie. It’s adorable! I will bring him to squeeze and lift my heart with his cuteness.
Good food – Who doesn’t love good food? I will bring some good snacks like almonds, crackers and hummus and something chocolate for a sweet treat. To take some of the burden off of me, I will order out for lunch. Packing a lunch can take a lot of time so ordering a take away is one less thing for me to do.
Happiness playlist – As a millennial, I love 00s pop and hip hop. Anything that was playing at a middle school dance are the jams that make me smile. Oh and of course I have to have my favorite k-pop tracks in there too! Have you listened to “God’s Menu” from Stray Kids? So good!!
Support plushie – I’m not ashamed that I am an adult that still enjoys plushies and stuffed animals. They’re soft and can make uncomfortable situations bearable. I think I will bring this BT21 Baby Tata or my hippo from Animal Kingdom. Decisions, decisions.
I hope that these few things will help me mentally handle this coming week.
How have you been mentally during this time? I wish you all health and happiness!
When your fears become a reality it’s scary. My stomach drops and I want to crawl under my desk to hide.
I started a new initiative at work that I was excited about. My boss was excited too. I spoke to all of the parties who would be involved with the initiative before the launch so everyone was on the same page.
The day came and everyone was blind sided somehow. I come in to emails that they are confused and frustrated even though I told everyone the launch date and they were to work shit out themselves.
Now it is on pause. I’m still the newbie at work so I feel like an idiot. I feel stupid for trying to do something innovative.
I can only blame myself for my failure. I clearly missed the mark on communication.
Having my worries realized feels like a win for my anxiety. I can already hear it saying, “of course you failed” and “now nobody is going to want to work with you again. They already don’t like you and now they have another reason why the think you’re shit.”
Is it 5 o’clock yet?
Is it ok to walk around the office with a paper bag over my head?
I have begun a massive project at work which is good for me but also giving me boat loads of anxiety.
I have been kinda bored at work because I don’t have any pressure put on me or any deadlines to meet. I’m a journalist by trade so I will probably forever have the mentality of a reporter even though I’m sadly not in that line of work right now.
My supervisor asked me in December to look into online scheduling for a testing service we provide for the community. There are 2 offices, the one I’m at has a full staff and space to do the testing. The other one is small and doesn’t have many staff members to carry the work load.
So I diligently did my work and found a great fit for the organization. But now that the wheels are in motion to make this a real thing, my anxiety is clawing at my insides.
Staff at the second office voiced concerns that made me doubt myself even though they were legit questions. I felt nervous and attacked even though that wasn’t the case at all.
Nobody enjoys failure but I am terrified of falling flat on my ass in front of all my coworkers. My boss sought me out to work here, I would hate to disappoint her by failing at my first big project.
I’m worried about every little bump in the road that could derail everything.
Yes, failing in life is part of life but I have always been afraid of it. If I fail, it confirms that I’m not good enough. It fuels my depression and anxiety.
Are you afraid of failure? How do you cope if you do fail?
Since September I have been telling myself that I need to find balance. That I am not able to balance everything going on in my life plus the things I need/want to have in my life.
My entire theme of 2020 was going to be about finding balance. During some reflection, I realized that deep down it’s about finding perfection, not balance.
I know I will never be perfect but I have struggled for a long time about wanting to be perfect. To be the perfect writer, girlfriend, daughter, sister, friend and all around human.
A balanced life is a perfect life in my eyes. Being able to juggle everything without having a meltdown every other week would be great! (Yeah that’s something I need to talk to my therapist about.)
I think I’ve been kidding myself with all this talk of balance. Yes I do want to have a more balanced life but I need to remind myself that I will never achieve a perfect life (or even a perfectly balanced one).
With this refreshed thought process about balance I need to reevaluate the word. How can I strive for balance without being swallowed whole by anxiety then dropped at the bottom of a hole with my depression?
Sigh. I left a message for my therapist so I hope I can get in next week.
Do you have anything you’re striving to achieve in 2020? Leave me a comment and tell me!
On Thursday I go back to work for the first time since Dec. 23. My new job gives everyone the end of the year off, something I very much needed and greatly appreciate. Yes, we are paid.
I have been depressed since this morning thinking about returning to the daily boredom and anxiety that comes with work. I love being in my house and having my time be my own. It’s incredible to be so free!
How do I overcome this dread and be positive about it? I’m a pessimist by nature so seeing the positive side of situations can be difficult for me. Sometimes it’s easy but more often than not I can’t quite find the silver lining.
I hope you all have a lovely New Year!! I will likely post once more before 2020 so keep your eyes open!
It took me a week to ask my coworker if he could connect my computer to the printer. A WEEK! I had no reason to be nervous to ask but my anxiety had me in a chokehold. I had spoken to him numerous times about a variety of topics, he’s a nice dude from what I can tell. But there was something holding me back from asking for help.
My anxiety said, “Megan you’ve had him do so much shit on your computer already, stop asking for help, he’s probably annoyed.” His job is IT guy so it’s what they pay him to do!
On Wednesday and Thursday I had my head between my legs to try and calm myself down because I was so anxious. I tried to listen to some of my favorite pop music to lift me up but it didn’t help.
Every time I get a new job my mental health takes a nose dive. During my 8 hour days I am buzzing with anxiety over speaking to my coworkers and trying to make a good first impression for my boss and supervisor. I leave the office and my mood drops into a depressive state. I force myself to keep busy so I don’t get caught up in my head.
I hope that this anxiety and depression does not last for ages.
My anxiety is with me when I go to bed and wake up in the morning. It comes with me in the shower, rides in the front seat with me in my car and hangs out in my office at work.
It’s with me on my commute home and sits next to me while I watch the latest season of “The Flash” on Netflix. Anxiety sits in the baby seat in my cart at the grocery store and is lifting weights by my side at the gym.
I feel that I cannot shake anxiety. It is stuck to me like glue.
I have been using CBD oil to try and combat it but it only helps so much. It doesn’t get rid of the racing thoughts, tightness in my chest (that’s not from asthma) or anything like that. It calms me for a bit but then I’m right back to feeling anxious.
My anxiety isn’t intense but it’s more frequent than it has been in a while. Which I don’t appreciate.
For some reason I’m worried about adopting the right cat at the cat cafe that I volunteer at. I worry that some of them won’t get adopted because they’re older (I don’t think they’re old but some people might), are shy/reserved or they aren’t physically pristine on the outside. One of them stress licks his fur off and another had an eye issue but is healed, his face just looks a little different but he’s cute.
I worry that they’ll get sent back to the SPCA where they’ll be euthanized. I don’t wish that for any cat which is why I don’t support the SPCA as an organization. The cafe cats just happen to come from there.
This isn’t the main reason for my anxiety but it certainly adds to it.
Do you ever feel like nothing is going your way? The universe wants to fight and it is winning.
Today I majorly fucked up at work. I had done all of the work for this idea I had to start up an Etsy shop as a fundraising effort. I hadn’t received any emails regarding any purchases being made.
Well there was one. That I found out today about an order somebody made a month ago!
I was mortified to see that this customer reached our 5 times, getting no response from me because I put in the wrong email as the contact email. So stupid of me!! She asked for a refund because it was never sent to her and she gave the shop a 1 star.
I can’t blame her for any of her actions, I would have done the same.
I’m mortified that I had this task that I gave to myself and I totally screwed it up. I let down that customer, the organization, the volunteers who made the product and my co-workers. All because I didn’t put the wrong email as the contact!
I feel like a fool.
It doesn’t help that yesterday during a meeting we were all reminded that we could be let go at any time for no reason. I’m already nervous about that so me totally messing up on our only sale makes me worry that I’ll get fired.
In this moment I wish I could be invisible.
As I’ve told you all a million times, I have a serious fear a failure. I think a lot of people do so my situation isn’t entirely unique.
There is so much going on in my life that makes me feel like at any moment I will fail horribly. That my ineptitude will ruin all of the big things going on in my life right now. That I will fail which will derail and destroy everything that I have worked hard to do.
I worry that I will fuck up getting a mortgage for a house, that I don’t make enough money to contribute financially the way I want to, that my piss-poor paychecks will create a rift between my boyfriend and I, that I will destroy my relationship with my mom and probably 100 other things.
(I mention a lot of these things in my last post.)
My mind tells me all of those worries will become reality. That there is little I can do to prevent any of them from happening.
How do you clear your mind when anxiety tells you that you will fail?