Stuck

I absolutely hate cheating in relationships. My first two boyfriends cheated on me so I have a good idea what to look for if a partner is being unfaithful. But even if I didn’t have those experiences, I would still be coming to the same conclusion that my boyfriend of 4.5 years is cheating.

I have caught him in numerous lies and stories that don’t add up over the past month. We have had multiple conversations yet he sticks with his story that he isn’t cheating.

I am absolutely baffled. I genuinely feel like I don’t know what to do in this situation.

I have never had trust problems with him until recently. It keeps building on each other; one incident after another yet he refuses to come clean.

My gut tells me that he is hiding something. I’m not sure I will be able to shake this feeling.

I wish I could believe him but I can’t help but feel like it’s gaslighting and lies.

I’m willing to give him one more chance but after that, I don’t think I can be so generous anymore. I can’t be worrying myself sick thinking about where he really went, who he was really with and who actually called him this morning. I mentally can’t handle this much longer.

I can be such a doormat especially when it comes to conflict. I will succumb to whatever the other person wants most of the time because I hate fighting. I can’t let him walk all over me, I have to stand up for myself.

A Restful Weekend

In my last post, I was very distressed with what was happening in America last week. In order to cope with it, I more or less did nothing for a while.

Thursday and Friday I barely did anything at work because my mind was so frazzled. Thankfully I had some friends to talk to which was helpful. We chatted about the latest information and speculated about what the future holds for the US.

On Saturday I had plans to grocery shop, exercise and clean. None of those things happened. Instead I did nothing which was so helpful in the long run. I snuggled with my animals while watching the anime “Yuri on Ice” which was the recipe for relaxation. When I woke up on Sunday, I felt like I could properly function again.

I usually beat myself up about “being lazy” but after seeing the positive results of it, maybe I’ve been too hard on myself in the past. I think if I would have pushed myself instead of being gentle, I would have been struggling on Sunday too.

I hope you all are well! Please stay safe especially with the inauguration protests coming up.

What the Fuck is Happening?

2021 already has been rough with increased COVID-19 cases and my own personal conflicts.

But yesterday was the worst.

My mind was spinning as I read update after update on the mindless Trump zombies who stormed the Capitol building in DC. It brought me nothing but pain but I couldn’t look away.

I was texting a couple of friends last night about everything. I asked, “where do we go from here?” None of them had an answer. None of them could see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Today my heart is still heavy. It is weighed down by sadness, confusion and anxiety for the future of America.

If you’re struggling like I am, what are you doing to cope with this?

This is a very short post but I wanted to get a little bit of what’s on my mind out into the world.

Reflections: My Childhood Safe Space

Growing up I always felt uncomfortable in my own skin. Like I was wearing a sweater that was too tight all of the time. It was a perpetual awkwardness that I couldn’t shake until I was in 8th grade or so. I was still shy and awkward but the imaginary sweater didn’t feel so uncomfortable.

When I was in 2nd grade my mom started dating after her and my dad got divorced. She took 2 years off then started dating this guy who had two kids, one 2 years older than me and the other 4 years older. They would all come over and that was my cue to hide in my room.

My childhood safe space away from this family I wanted to do with was my room. But within my room, I would play Britney Spears’ “Oops…I Did It Again” album on my cassette player while reading whatever book that could transport me to anywhere else.

I have a vivid memory of reading a Sailor Moon manga. I loved watching Sailor Moon so I was really happy to find the manga at my community library. I no longer was confined to the half hour episode after school, I could go on adventures with the Sailor Scouts whenever I wanted.

Instead of running around the house was kids I didn’t care for, I stayed in my room where I could enjoy the things I liked most: music and reading.

Did you have a special place you liked to go as a kid? If so, what did you do there? Do you have similar habits as an adult?

There’s So Much in My Head

I’m at a spot in my life where I have so much going on in my head and heart that I’m terrified to look inside. The thought of sitting down to reflect on my own, in a blog post or with my trusted therapist scare me. I know if I open the box, I can’t close it.

I feel that if I dive into what is troubling me, I’ll cry and never be able to stop. So instead I keep pushing it down, sweeping it under the rug. Right now the pile under this imaginary rug is the size of both of my cats.

I can’t bare to face reality or the truth I keep tucked away in my heart. It’s much too painful for me to come to terms with.

I want to talk to my therapist about it but I don’t have the strength. Every day I consider making an appointment but I can’t. This is the first time that i am having trouble opening up to my therapist. She has seen me at my worst, seen me cry countless times.

But what’s making me sad, I can’t speak it. Because if I say it that makes it real, it makes it true.

I’m not ready for the truth. I just want to live in my comfort zone for a while longer. I’m not ready to give it up.

Anxiety Emergency Kit

This coming week I might be returning to the office for one or two days. I don’t want to go but I know the longer I put this off, the more difficult the transition will be. To help with my transition, I am going to create my own anxiety emergency kit for my mental health.

Essential oils and diffuser – Nobody wants to sit in a musty basement and breathe in all the smells of a basement. To be fair, this basement is pretty clean and well kept but that’s not the point! Essential oils help me relax and put me in a better head space.

Adorable stress ball – I got this little stress ball that is a chubby dog in a yellow hoodie. It’s adorable! I will bring him to squeeze and lift my heart with his cuteness.

Good food – Who doesn’t love good food? I will bring some good snacks like almonds, crackers and hummus and something chocolate for a sweet treat. To take some of the burden off of me, I will order out for lunch. Packing a lunch can take a lot of time so ordering a take away is one less thing for me to do.

Happiness playlist – As a millennial, I love 00s pop and hip hop. Anything that was playing at a middle school dance are the jams that make me smile. Oh and of course I have to have my favorite k-pop tracks in there too! Have you listened to “God’s Menu” from Stray Kids? So good!!

Support plushie – I’m not ashamed that I am an adult that still enjoys plushies and stuffed animals. They’re soft and can make uncomfortable situations bearable. I think I will bring this BT21 Baby Tata or my hippo from Animal Kingdom. Decisions, decisions.

I hope that these few things will help me mentally handle this coming week.

How have you been mentally during this time? I wish you all health and happiness!

Facing Failure

When your fears become a reality it’s scary. My stomach drops and I want to crawl under my desk to hide.

I started a new initiative at work that I was excited about. My boss was excited too. I spoke to all of the parties who would be involved with the initiative before the launch so everyone was on the same page.

The day came and everyone was blind sided somehow. I come in to emails that they are confused and frustrated even though I told everyone the launch date and they were to work shit out themselves.

Now it is on pause. I’m still the newbie at work so I feel like an idiot. I feel stupid for trying to do something innovative.

I can only blame myself for my failure. I clearly missed the mark on communication.

Having my worries realized feels like a win for my anxiety. I can already hear it saying, “of course you failed” and “now nobody is going to want to work with you again. They already don’t like you and now they have another reason why the think you’re shit.”

Is it 5 o’clock yet?

Is it ok to walk around the office with a paper bag over my head?

Fear of Failing

I have begun a massive project at work which is good for me but also giving me boat loads of anxiety.

I have been kinda bored at work because I don’t have any pressure put on me or any deadlines to meet. I’m a journalist by trade so I will probably forever have the mentality of a reporter even though I’m sadly not in that line of work right now.

My supervisor asked me in December to look into online scheduling for a testing service we provide for the community. There are 2 offices, the one I’m at has a full staff and space to do the testing. The other one is small and doesn’t have many staff members to carry the work load.

So I diligently did my work and found a great fit for the organization. But now that the wheels are in motion to make this a real thing, my anxiety is clawing at my insides.

Staff at the second office voiced concerns that made me doubt myself even though they were legit questions. I felt nervous and attacked even though that wasn’t the case at all.

Nobody enjoys failure but I am terrified of falling flat on my ass in front of all my coworkers. My boss sought me out to work here, I would hate to disappoint her by failing at my first big project.

I’m worried about every little bump in the road that could derail everything.

Yes, failing in life is part of life but I have always been afraid of it. If I fail, it confirms that I’m not good enough. It fuels my depression and anxiety.

Are you afraid of failure? How do you cope if you do fail?

Finding Balance or Perfection?

Since September I have been telling myself that I need to find balance. That I am not able to balance everything going on in my life plus the things I need/want to have in my life.

My entire theme of 2020 was going to be about finding balance. During some reflection, I realized that deep down it’s about finding perfection, not balance.

I know I will never be perfect but I have struggled for a long time about wanting to be perfect. To be the perfect writer, girlfriend, daughter, sister, friend and all around human.

A balanced life is a perfect life in my eyes. Being able to juggle everything without having a meltdown every other week would be great! (Yeah that’s something I need to talk to my therapist about.)

I think I’ve been kidding myself with all this talk of balance. Yes I do want to have a more balanced life but I need to remind myself that I will never achieve a perfect life (or even a perfectly balanced one).

With this refreshed thought process about balance I need to reevaluate the word. How can I strive for balance without being swallowed whole by anxiety then dropped at the bottom of a hole with my depression?

Sigh. I left a message for my therapist so I hope I can get in next week.

Do you have anything you’re striving to achieve in 2020? Leave me a comment and tell me!

I Dread Returning to Work

On Thursday I go back to work for the first time since Dec. 23. My new job gives everyone the end of the year off, something I very much needed and greatly appreciate. Yes, we are paid.

I have been depressed since this morning thinking about returning to the daily boredom and anxiety that comes with work. I love being in my house and having my time be my own. It’s incredible to be so free!

How do I overcome this dread and be positive about it? I’m a pessimist by nature so seeing the positive side of situations can be difficult for me. Sometimes it’s easy but more often than not I can’t quite find the silver lining.

I hope you all have a lovely New Year!! I will likely post once more before 2020 so keep your eyes open!