In my last post, I was very distressed with what was happening in America last week. In order to cope with it, I more or less did nothing for a while.
Thursday and Friday I barely did anything at work because my mind was so frazzled. Thankfully I had some friends to talk to which was helpful. We chatted about the latest information and speculated about what the future holds for the US.
On Saturday I had plans to grocery shop, exercise and clean. None of those things happened. Instead I did nothing which was so helpful in the long run. I snuggled with my animals while watching the anime “Yuri on Ice” which was the recipe for relaxation. When I woke up on Sunday, I felt like I could properly function again.
I usually beat myself up about “being lazy” but after seeing the positive results of it, maybe I’ve been too hard on myself in the past. I think if I would have pushed myself instead of being gentle, I would have been struggling on Sunday too.
I hope you all are well! Please stay safe especially with the inauguration protests coming up.
Growing up I always felt uncomfortable in my own skin. Like I was wearing a sweater that was too tight all of the time. It was a perpetual awkwardness that I couldn’t shake until I was in 8th grade or so. I was still shy and awkward but the imaginary sweater didn’t feel so uncomfortable.
When I was in 2nd grade my mom started dating after her and my dad got divorced. She took 2 years off then started dating this guy who had two kids, one 2 years older than me and the other 4 years older. They would all come over and that was my cue to hide in my room.
My childhood safe space away from this family I wanted to do with was my room. But within my room, I would play Britney Spears’ “Oops…I Did It Again” album on my cassette player while reading whatever book that could transport me to anywhere else.
I have a vivid memory of reading a Sailor Moon manga. I loved watching Sailor Moon so I was really happy to find the manga at my community library. I no longer was confined to the half hour episode after school, I could go on adventures with the Sailor Scouts whenever I wanted.
Instead of running around the house was kids I didn’t care for, I stayed in my room where I could enjoy the things I liked most: music and reading.
Did you have a special place you liked to go as a kid? If so, what did you do there? Do you have similar habits as an adult?
I’m at a spot in my life where I have so much going on in my head and heart that I’m terrified to look inside. The thought of sitting down to reflect on my own, in a blog post or with my trusted therapist scare me. I know if I open the box, I can’t close it.
I feel that if I dive into what is troubling me, I’ll cry and never be able to stop. So instead I keep pushing it down, sweeping it under the rug. Right now the pile under this imaginary rug is the size of both of my cats.
I can’t bare to face reality or the truth I keep tucked away in my heart. It’s much too painful for me to come to terms with.
I want to talk to my therapist about it but I don’t have the strength. Every day I consider making an appointment but I can’t. This is the first time that i am having trouble opening up to my therapist. She has seen me at my worst, seen me cry countless times.
But what’s making me sad, I can’t speak it. Because if I say it that makes it real, it makes it true.
I’m not ready for the truth. I just want to live in my comfort zone for a while longer. I’m not ready to give it up.
I have begun a massive project at work which is good for me but also giving me boat loads of anxiety.
I have been kinda bored at work because I don’t have any pressure put on me or any deadlines to meet. I’m a journalist by trade so I will probably forever have the mentality of a reporter even though I’m sadly not in that line of work right now.
My supervisor asked me in December to look into online scheduling for a testing service we provide for the community. There are 2 offices, the one I’m at has a full staff and space to do the testing. The other one is small and doesn’t have many staff members to carry the work load.
So I diligently did my work and found a great fit for the organization. But now that the wheels are in motion to make this a real thing, my anxiety is clawing at my insides.
Staff at the second office voiced concerns that made me doubt myself even though they were legit questions. I felt nervous and attacked even though that wasn’t the case at all.
Nobody enjoys failure but I am terrified of falling flat on my ass in front of all my coworkers. My boss sought me out to work here, I would hate to disappoint her by failing at my first big project.
I’m worried about every little bump in the road that could derail everything.
Yes, failing in life is part of life but I have always been afraid of it. If I fail, it confirms that I’m not good enough. It fuels my depression and anxiety.
Are you afraid of failure? How do you cope if you do fail?
Since September I have been telling myself that I need to find balance. That I am not able to balance everything going on in my life plus the things I need/want to have in my life.
My entire theme of 2020 was going to be about finding balance. During some reflection, I realized that deep down it’s about finding perfection, not balance.
I know I will never be perfect but I have struggled for a long time about wanting to be perfect. To be the perfect writer, girlfriend, daughter, sister, friend and all around human.
A balanced life is a perfect life in my eyes. Being able to juggle everything without having a meltdown every other week would be great! (Yeah that’s something I need to talk to my therapist about.)
I think I’ve been kidding myself with all this talk of balance. Yes I do want to have a more balanced life but I need to remind myself that I will never achieve a perfect life (or even a perfectly balanced one).
With this refreshed thought process about balance I need to reevaluate the word. How can I strive for balance without being swallowed whole by anxiety then dropped at the bottom of a hole with my depression?
Sigh. I left a message for my therapist so I hope I can get in next week.
Do you have anything you’re striving to achieve in 2020? Leave me a comment and tell me!
It took me a week to ask my coworker if he could connect my computer to the printer. A WEEK! I had no reason to be nervous to ask but my anxiety had me in a chokehold. I had spoken to him numerous times about a variety of topics, he’s a nice dude from what I can tell. But there was something holding me back from asking for help.
My anxiety said, “Megan you’ve had him do so much shit on your computer already, stop asking for help, he’s probably annoyed.” His job is IT guy so it’s what they pay him to do!
On Wednesday and Thursday I had my head between my legs to try and calm myself down because I was so anxious. I tried to listen to some of my favorite pop music to lift me up but it didn’t help.
Every time I get a new job my mental health takes a nose dive. During my 8 hour days I am buzzing with anxiety over speaking to my coworkers and trying to make a good first impression for my boss and supervisor. I leave the office and my mood drops into a depressive state. I force myself to keep busy so I don’t get caught up in my head.
I hope that this anxiety and depression does not last for ages.
My anxiety is with me when I go to bed and wake up in the morning. It comes with me in the shower, rides in the front seat with me in my car and hangs out in my office at work.
It’s with me on my commute home and sits next to me while I watch the latest season of “The Flash” on Netflix. Anxiety sits in the baby seat in my cart at the grocery store and is lifting weights by my side at the gym.
I feel that I cannot shake anxiety. It is stuck to me like glue.
I have been using CBD oil to try and combat it but it only helps so much. It doesn’t get rid of the racing thoughts, tightness in my chest (that’s not from asthma) or anything like that. It calms me for a bit but then I’m right back to feeling anxious.
My anxiety isn’t intense but it’s more frequent than it has been in a while. Which I don’t appreciate.
For some reason I’m worried about adopting the right cat at the cat cafe that I volunteer at. I worry that some of them won’t get adopted because they’re older (I don’t think they’re old but some people might), are shy/reserved or they aren’t physically pristine on the outside. One of them stress licks his fur off and another had an eye issue but is healed, his face just looks a little different but he’s cute.
I worry that they’ll get sent back to the SPCA where they’ll be euthanized. I don’t wish that for any cat which is why I don’t support the SPCA as an organization. The cafe cats just happen to come from there.
This isn’t the main reason for my anxiety but it certainly adds to it.
As I’ve told you all a million times, I have a serious fear a failure. I think a lot of people do so my situation isn’t entirely unique.
There is so much going on in my life that makes me feel like at any moment I will fail horribly. That my ineptitude will ruin all of the big things going on in my life right now. That I will fail which will derail and destroy everything that I have worked hard to do.
I worry that I will fuck up getting a mortgage for a house, that I don’t make enough money to contribute financially the way I want to, that my piss-poor paychecks will create a rift between my boyfriend and I, that I will destroy my relationship with my mom and probably 100 other things.
(I mention a lot of these things in my last post.)
My mind tells me all of those worries will become reality. That there is little I can do to prevent any of them from happening.
How do you clear your mind when anxiety tells you that you will fail?
This summer I have a few weddings that I am attending and one that I am going to be a bridesmaid in. In late August my cousin Jess is getting married so it will be the first time the entire family will be together in a long time. Then in September my brother is getting married which I have finally wrapped my head around.
Sure it’ll be great seeing my family and getting to play a part in my brother’s big day BUT I keep worrying about my weight.
In May I decided I was going to stick to an exercise routine and eat around 1,200 calories per day (I’m 5′ 4″). Since then everything has gone down hill which has derailed my efforts. I have been struggling with lower back pain that has prevented me from exercising and I’ve now had back to back fevers.
There is no way I will make it to my goal weight by August 23 for my cousin’s wedding. I keep imaging my family judging me for my weight or making rude comments (to my face or behind my back).
Even for September I don’t know if I’ll be at the weight I’m aiming for. I don’t want to look back on my brother’s wedding photos and cringe at how fat I think I look.
As the days creep closer, my anxiety gets a little louder. I am getting more and more worried about how I will look.
If I am being rational and positive, I’m technically at a normal weight bordering on overweight. Also I’m not going to be anybody’s focus because neither of those days are about me, they’re about the people getting married!
Am I the only one who gets super anxious after they make a mistake?
A few minutes ago I had a misunderstanding with the people at my side gig. Everything got worked out but I feel so guilty for misunderstanding!
As I’ve written about before, I struggle with a version of perfectionism that includes I should never make any mistakes. I should always have the correct answer, I should always understand others and I should never mess up.
The moment I huge up the phone my stomach dropped to my butt. My anxiety was ready with the negativity when I pressed “end.”
“Megan, why are you so stupid? You should have known that!”
“They’re going to fire you because of this. You’ve made too many mistakes. Your boss didn’t hire you to make mistakes and he could find somebody else to write who will be perfect.”
Being serious, I need to overcome my anxiety and guilt after I make a mistake. I’m not sure how I do that but I don’t want to get gray hairs because of this issue. It takes such a tole on my mental state.