Working on Us

Another week, another Working On Us prompt from Ashley at Mental Health @ Home! Check out her original post here.

  • Do you own a pet for emotional support and/or service/therapy?
    My cats didn’t come into my life for that specific purpose but they definitely help me as emotional support. When I start feeling depressed or anxious I know I can cuddle with my cats. They give me a purpose too. That they would be sad if I wasn’t around anymore.
  • Is your pet a certified therapy animal?  No.
  • What kind of pet do you own?  I have 3 cats.
  • Do you believe that support animals truly assist those in need? Absolutely.
  • Do you believe that any animal can be a therapy/support pet? Yes! Any animal can be supportive.

Describe how your pet is of support to you?

I’ve been pretty depressed lately which makes me lay around in bed a lot. My cats often jump up and lay right next to me, almost as if they’re saying, “I love you and I want to show you that you’re important to me.” They don’t do it at night as often but just having one in my bed makes me feel so much better.

 

Continuous Anxiety

My anxiety is with me when I go to bed and wake up in the morning. It comes with me in the shower, rides in the front seat with me in my car and hangs out in my office at work.

It’s with me on my  commute home and sits next to me while I watch the latest season of “The Flash” on Netflix. Anxiety sits in the baby seat in my cart at the grocery store and is lifting weights by my side at the gym.

I feel that I cannot shake anxiety. It is stuck to me like glue.

I have been using CBD oil to try and combat it but it only helps so much. It doesn’t get rid of the racing thoughts, tightness in my chest (that’s not from asthma) or anything like that. It calms me for a bit but then I’m right back to feeling anxious.

My anxiety isn’t intense but it’s more frequent than it has been in a while. Which I don’t appreciate.

For some reason I’m worried about adopting the right cat at the cat cafe that I volunteer at. I worry that some of them won’t get adopted because they’re older (I don’t think they’re old but some people might), are shy/reserved or they aren’t physically pristine on the outside. One of them stress licks his fur off and another had an eye issue but is healed, his face just looks a little different but he’s cute.

I worry that they’ll get sent back to the SPCA where they’ll be euthanized. I don’t wish that for any cat which is why I don’t support the SPCA as an organization. The cafe cats just happen to come from there.

This isn’t the main reason for my anxiety but it certainly adds to it.

In Control for a Day

As I’ve written about in previous posts, I’ve been working through a difficult bout of emotional/stress binge eating.

For the first time in weeks, today I felt in control. It was odd but also great! My mind partially wanted to dive into my bingey habits but I was able to resist them and focus on other tasks at work.

I ate a large soft pretzel as a mid-morning snack which held me over for hours. It seems that if I have something hearty and sustaining the urge to binge isn’t nearly as strong.My body and mind recognize that I’m full and I don’t need anything more.

I feel proud of myself for being in control today! I got a little snackish (a term meaning you want to eat a lot of snacks) once I got home from work. I had some control over myself so I didn’t go crazy.

Keeping up the control is going to be challenging but I hope that I can do it!

Leave me a comment about the best part of your week! I would love to hear how you all are doing 🙂

P.S. — The photo is Animal in “The Muppets Movie” from a few years ago when he’s in anger management and says, “In control.”  Here’s a video clip for reference.

I’m All Shook Up

You said it, Elvis!

I seem to always have some annoying health issue going on. At the beginning of the year I was having serious issues with my asthma then I hurt my lower back which caused me severe pain. Now I’m having tremors in my hands.

As many of you who’ve been reading my blog for a while know I love makeup. I love doing my makeup, talking about it, looking at it, all that stuff. I noticed the tremors when I was putting on my mascara and eyeliner a week or two ago.

I thought, “That’s weird. I’ve never been shaky like this before.”

Since then it seems to only be getting worse. It’s worse in the morning then it usually mellows out for the most part by the end of the day. I’m really feeling it this morning so my anxious mind is taking this and running with it.

It’s calming down a little after eating breakfast at the office.

I get so anxious about health related shit. Right now I worry that this is a sign of early on-set Parkinson’s, ALS or MS. I really hope it’s not and it’s something else. The thought of that makes me want to throw up.

I did a little reading and you can have shaky hands from a B12 deficiency, a thyroid issue (which runs in my family) or reacting badly to caffeine.

I’ve rarely had a issue with caffeine, I know my limits and what causes jitters. I can’t drink the very popular cold brew drinks, they have me wired and shaking.

As for B12 I am a vegetarian so getting regular doses of B12 doesn’t always happen. I have started taking supplements for it but it does not seem to be making a difference.

My anxiety is on high. I have an appointment with my doctor but it’s not until next week. I don’t think I can worry I have Parkinson’s for 5 more days.

Cross your fingers for me that I can get in today or tomorrow!

Turning to Food for Comfort

For most of my life I’ve struggled with my weight. For years I took comfort in food which naturally resulted in weight gain.

I’ve hit this point in my life again.

For years if I was struggling with depression or anxiety I couldn’t eat. My stomach would be in knots or I wouldn’t be hungry. Now it’s the total opposite, like I’ve gone back to old habits.

I’m trying to lose weight for my brother’s wedding but my issue with food is very much getting in the way of that. I also am still recovering from a lower back issue so I can only exercise at a very low intensity with breaks between workouts.

Imagine if your 90 year-old grammy was exercising. It’s like that. (I love my 90 year-old grammy just for the record!)

I’m going through a period of depression and anxiety so I know why I’m comfort eating, but I don’t know why my body has switched from under eating to overeating.

What about you? Do you have a challenging relationship with food?

 

 

Crying during Yoga

I haven’t done any exercise in two months due to lower back pain that prevented me from doing anything mildly strenuous. I’m a little sore today from doing a very low intensity yoga routine from Yoga with Adrienne. I love her!

I want to get back into exercising but I want to take it really slow. So I turned on a recent video of hers called “Slow Your Roll,” which sounded perfect for my sensitive condition.

The one part of the routine she asked us to sit and bring our knees to our chests then give our legs a hug while resting our heads on our knees. I started crying immediately. Then Adrienne said something along the lines that if we are feeling emotional in this position it’s ok.

It’s like she knew!

It must have been the act of a self hug. I recently watched a video from someone who was talking about a scene in one of my favorite animes where a character gives himself a self hug. In the show, the character was overwhelmed by past trauma and went to a secluded place where he is on the ground hugging himself. kyo

I thought about that scene and how much I resonated with it like never before. The anime is “Fruits Basket” if you’re curious. (If you like this anime/manga, comment me your favorite character! I love Tohru, Prince Yuki and Momiji best.)

ANYWAY,  back to yoga.

It is incredible that one yoga routine could bring up such intense emotions for me.

Has this sort of thing ever happened to you? If so, leave me a comment below please!

Hope you guys all have a great week that involves far less crying than me. It’s only Monday morning and I’ve cried so much already!

Wishing I was Invisible

Do you ever feel like nothing is going your way? The universe wants to fight and it is winning.

Today I majorly fucked up at work. I had done all of the work for this idea I had to start up an Etsy shop as a fundraising effort. I hadn’t received any emails regarding any purchases being made.

Well there was one. That I found out today about an order somebody made a month ago!

I was mortified to see that this customer reached our 5 times, getting no response from me because I put in the wrong email as the contact email. So stupid of me!! She asked for a refund because it was never sent to her and she gave the shop a 1 star.

I can’t blame her for any of her actions, I would have done the same.

I’m mortified that I had this task that I gave to myself and I totally screwed it up. I let down that customer, the organization, the volunteers who made the product and my co-workers. All because I didn’t put the wrong email as the contact!

I feel like a fool.

It doesn’t help that yesterday during a meeting we were all reminded that we could be let go at any time for no reason. I’m already nervous about that so me totally messing up on our only sale makes me worry that I’ll get fired.

In this moment I wish I could be invisible.