Anxious Thoughts about Failing

As I’ve told you all a million times, I have a serious fear a failure. I think a lot of people do so my situation isn’t entirely unique.

There is so much going on in my life that makes me feel like at any moment I will fail horribly. That my ineptitude will ruin all of the big things going on in my life right now. That I will fail which will derail and destroy everything that I have worked hard to do.

I worry that I will fuck up getting a mortgage for a house, that I don’t make enough money to contribute financially the way I want to, that my piss-poor paychecks will create a rift between my boyfriend and I, that I will destroy my relationship with my mom and probably 100 other things.

(I mention a lot of these things in my last post.)

My mind tells me all of those worries will become reality. That there is little I can do to prevent any of them from happening.

How do you clear your mind when anxiety tells you that you will fail?

An Anxious Weekend & Monday

I have been feeling anxious these past few days and today. Since my mental health has been pretty good for a while, it almost feels odd to have the weight of anxiety in my chest again.

On Friday I lied to my mom in order to keep a secret from her. As I’ve written on here multiple times, I’m moving in with my boyfriend this year. But the thing is, my mom doesn’t know and I still live with her.

The woman I have been working with to get a pre-approval letter for a mortgage decided to call my mom’s house phone because she claimed to not have my cell phone number. I’ve been banking at that bank for 10 years, they have my cell number.

Since my mom is completely in the dark about this, she was flabbergasted that somebody was calling about a mortgage for me. So I lied to her face, I couldn’t confess to my secret. I told her it must have been a mix up, another Megan. That the woman made a mistake and that I had no plans of taking out a mortgage.

The reason it is a secret is because my mom would flip out on me. We would fight like crazy. She would kick me out of her house and disown me. She wouldn’t love me or care about me anymore. She would say she only has one child, my brother.

I spoke to my brother about it but he made it worse. He continued to put pressure on me, essentially bully me, into telling my mom the truth on Saturday. Him and I spoke in-person on Sunday where we both said how the situation made us anxious. Ultimately I told him this is my life and this situation doesn’t effect him.

So since all of this going on I have felt so anxious! I have been having trouble sleeping, sleeping during the day because I can’t sleep at night, laying in bed a lot and hiding away in my room. All of the signs that my anxiety is high and my depression is low.

I’m seeing my therapist next week so I want to chat with her about this entire situation. I have no idea how to best go about this so I’m hoping her and I can work through it together.

Body Image Anxiety

This summer I have a few weddings that I am attending and one that I am going to be a bridesmaid in. In late August my cousin Jess is getting married so it will be the first time the entire family will be together in a long time. Then in September my brother is getting married which I have finally wrapped my head around.

Sure it’ll be great seeing my family and getting to play a part in my brother’s big day BUT I keep worrying about my weight.

In May I decided I was going to stick to an exercise routine and eat around 1,200 calories per day (I’m 5′ 4″). Since then everything has gone down hill which has derailed my efforts. I have been struggling with lower back pain that has prevented me from exercising and I’ve now had back to back fevers.

There is no way I will make it to my goal weight by August 23 for my cousin’s wedding. I keep imaging my family judging me for my weight or making rude comments (to my face or behind my back).

Even for September I don’t know if I’ll be at the weight I’m aiming for. I don’t want to look back on my brother’s wedding photos and cringe at how fat I think I look.

As the days creep closer, my anxiety gets a little louder. I am getting more and more worried about how I will look.

If I am being rational and positive, I’m technically at a normal weight bordering on overweight. Also I’m not going to be anybody’s focus because neither of those days are about me, they’re about the people getting married!

Sigh, I hate weight related anxieties.

So Cranky

I haven’t been sleeping well which I think is the cause of my crankiness. I have been snapping at my family and getting frustrated easily over these last couple weeks.

On Sunday I kept arguing with my brother for no reason. I would pick a fight over nothing at all. As it was happening I asked, “Why am I arguing about this?”

Yesterday I was picking up food to serve at my work’s day camp. Everybody at the store took forever to help me so it took me longer than I wanted it to. I saw the clock and flipped out to myself because I was worried the kids wouldn’t get lunch in time.

But when I got back to work, the kids weren’t even ready for lunch. They were still doing their activity. So I got all worked up and angry for no reason.

I spoke to my therapist about it and she said it could be lack of sleep or it could depression/anxiety. I have been having spurts of depression and anxiety lately but nothing serious.

I struggled with my anger as a kid and teenager. It feels like that but not nearly as intense.

Do you struggle with your anger? Do you have any coping mechanisms that help you stay in control?

I Overcame My Fears!

Guys, I’m back and ready to write about mental health once again! I have a positive story to share today. I overcame my fear of traveling alone (check this post if you don’t know what I’m writing about)!!

Today I got home from my trip to a new city to see my beloved Ariana Grande. As some of you know I named this blog after her song “Be Alright” so seeing her perform was an emotional experience for me. I also plan to get this tattooed on my body at some point soon.

I am about to sound so dumb but I cried multiple times during her show. The first note she belted out my eyes welled up with tears. It was a mix of her amazing voice, disbelief that I was there and how much her music means to me.

When she sang “Be Alright” I was so moved because I really needed to hear those lyrics last night. To translate into regular words, she said, all of these tears will come and go, everything will be alright.

That song has been one I’ve gone back to over and over again when I’m going through a difficult time. “Be Alright” is more than a pop song to me, it is encouragement that things may be hard now but eventually it will be ok. It’s the equivalent of a friend giving me a hug after I’ve spilled my guts to them.

I had tears streaming down my face during her song “Needy”. If you experience anxiety and/or depression, I think there’s a good chance you will also connect deeply with this song. When I first heard it, I cried so of course I cried when she sang it live.

The 2nd verse lyrics are, “Sorry if I’m up and down a lot / Sorry that I think I’m not enough / And sorry if I say sorry way too much.” That sums me up pretty well.

Singing and crying at her show was a wonderful and emotional experience that I am so happy that I had. Overcoming my fears was 100% worth it.

Leave me a comment below of your favorite Ariana song! And even if you don’t enjoy her music still leave me a comment please!

My dad’s favorite is “Bang Bang” which he was disappointed that she didn’t perform, hahaha! My dad is so strange.

Mistakes Make Me Feel Guilty

Am I the only one who gets super anxious after they make a mistake?

A few minutes ago I had a misunderstanding with the people at my side gig. Everything got worked out but I feel so guilty for misunderstanding!

As I’ve written about before, I struggle with a version of perfectionism that includes I should never make any mistakes. I should always have the correct answer, I should always understand others and I should never mess up.

The moment I huge up the phone my stomach dropped to my butt. My anxiety was ready with the negativity when I pressed “end.”

“Megan, why are you so stupid? You should have known that!”

“They’re going to fire you because of this. You’ve made too many mistakes. Your boss didn’t hire you to make mistakes and he could find somebody else to write who will be perfect.”

I know I can’t be perfect. Hannah Montana told us in 2007, nobody’s perfect.

Being serious, I need to overcome my anxiety and guilt after I make a mistake. I’m not sure how I do that but I don’t want to get gray hairs because of this issue. It takes such a tole on my mental state.

Overwhelmed and Anxious

My boyfriend and I are taking a big step and are looking to buy a house together.

I’m absolutely terrified that I’m going to mess up this process. I’m overwhelmed by all the steps it takes to make this happen like getting pre-approved for a mortgage and setting up house tours.

I am afraid of everything that has to go into this process. I feel like I am going to mess everything up for myself and him. That by the end of it I will have ruined our credit scores, destroyed our relationship, get screwed over and be given a ridiculously high mortgage payment.

I have been rather calm lately but now that we have started this process I can’t help but ruminate on the possibly that I will f*ck it all up. That all of the stuff that can go wrong, will go wrong and it will be all my fault.

I’m not adult enough for this. I’m not smart enough to make the best decisions.

Right now I feel like a child who is getting in way over her head.

What if I ruin everything? I can’t repair a credit score or a relationship if I’ve done serious damage to it. I’m so afraid of failing.