Telling Depression to Piss Off

This morning I was almost out the door for work when I got the empty pain of depression. It sits in my chest making me feel hollow inside.

As I got in my car and began to drive to the office the feeling was still very present. Nothing had happened this morning or last night to make me depressed but sometimes we don’t get to choose when we are depressed. Depression can engulf me anytime it feels like it.

Nagging thoughts kept pushing on my mind about how my boyfriend doesn’t love me and that I’m a worthless human. These thoughts were quiet but I wanted to confront them before they got louder.

I said aloud, “Hey depression, piss off!”

I rarely verbally confront my mental illness like this but I had been feeling good for the past 12 hours and I want to keep it going for longer.

I continued to tell my depression that what it was telling me isn’t true. I know that my boyfriend loves me even when my brain tells me it’s not true. I see his actions and I hear his words that contradict my depression and anxiety.

Instead of letting my depression kick me down to the ground, I am fighting back today.

So to help me keep fighting today, I’m going to do a little list of things that are going well and what I’m looking forward to.

Things going well:

1. My boyfriend and I are doing very well
2. I’ve been keeping up with doing my nails (having my nails painted makes me feel better about myself)
3. I’ve been feeling close with my mom lately

Looking forward to:

1. Therapy on Thursday
2. Getting my windshield replaced today (it has like a foot long crack in it for some reason)
3. Doing yoga after work

I hope that this inspired somebody on this Earth to stand up to their mental illness!

My 2019 Mental Health Goals

In my adult life I have really been focused on taking care of my mental health. In 2019, I overall want to continue to stay in the place where I’m at right now mentally or maybe feeling even better than I do now.

1. Learn a new skill — For about 6 months or so I have been learning Japanese. I was really struggling mentally and wanted something to be able to focus on, to keep my mind from drifting into horrible places.

I chose to learn Japanese because I knew it would be challenging. I had to first learn Hiragana and Katakana which are the two main alphabets plus Kanji which are the fancy Chinese-based symbols. The Kanji and grammar are quite difficult but I’m trying my best!

So for 2019, I want to learn something else new that can challenge me in a different way. I’m not sure exactly what that will be but I’m going to figure it out.

2. Read More — I had the goal to read more last year and I did such a shit job at it. I have always loved reading but as I have become an adult, it has taken a backseat. So yes, more reading! I’m aiming to do 12 books so a book a month.

Reading gives me relief from my mental health struggles, it has always been a positive outlet for me.

Leave me a comment with your favorite book!

3. Save Money — This might not seem like something that would help my mental health, but it really has the potential to. I worry a lot about not having enough money for an emergency/retirement. I’m only 25 but I’m worrying about it now all of the time.

This year I had to spend almost all of my savings because my car was totaled over the summer and my laptop took its last breath. So right now I’m anxious about what 2019 will bring. I’m concerned that I will get in another car accident or my phone or DSLR camera will break.

4. Take Breaks When I Need It — In recent years I have learned that I need to rest regularly. To breathe for a moment and get some energy to continue on my journey. If I don’t rest, I get into a negative place where I don’t usually like being.

I am going to start a rewards system to help me rest and work. If I complete a task either at home or work, I reward myself by watching a YouTube video or an episode of a show I’m watching. (Right now I’m starting season 5 of Fairy Tale!)

This is what I have so far. I don’t want to overwhelm myself with all of these things I feel like I have to do in order to be a successful human. That right there is what my anxiety uses to tackle me to the ground and make me feel terrible.

What are some of your 2019 mental health goals?