Anxious Thoughts about Failing

As I’ve told you all a million times, I have a serious fear a failure. I think a lot of people do so my situation isn’t entirely unique.

There is so much going on in my life that makes me feel like at any moment I will fail horribly. That my ineptitude will ruin all of the big things going on in my life right now. That I will fail which will derail and destroy everything that I have worked hard to do.

I worry that I will fuck up getting a mortgage for a house, that I don’t make enough money to contribute financially the way I want to, that my piss-poor paychecks will create a rift between my boyfriend and I, that I will destroy my relationship with my mom and probably 100 other things.

(I mention a lot of these things in my last post.)

My mind tells me all of those worries will become reality. That there is little I can do to prevent any of them from happening.

How do you clear your mind when anxiety tells you that you will fail?

An Anxious Weekend & Monday

I have been feeling anxious these past few days and today. Since my mental health has been pretty good for a while, it almost feels odd to have the weight of anxiety in my chest again.

On Friday I lied to my mom in order to keep a secret from her. As I’ve written on here multiple times, I’m moving in with my boyfriend this year. But the thing is, my mom doesn’t know and I still live with her.

The woman I have been working with to get a pre-approval letter for a mortgage decided to call my mom’s house phone because she claimed to not have my cell phone number. I’ve been banking at that bank for 10 years, they have my cell number.

Since my mom is completely in the dark about this, she was flabbergasted that somebody was calling about a mortgage for me. So I lied to her face, I couldn’t confess to my secret. I told her it must have been a mix up, another Megan. That the woman made a mistake and that I had no plans of taking out a mortgage.

The reason it is a secret is because my mom would flip out on me. We would fight like crazy. She would kick me out of her house and disown me. She wouldn’t love me or care about me anymore. She would say she only has one child, my brother.

I spoke to my brother about it but he made it worse. He continued to put pressure on me, essentially bully me, into telling my mom the truth on Saturday. Him and I spoke in-person on Sunday where we both said how the situation made us anxious. Ultimately I told him this is my life and this situation doesn’t effect him.

So since all of this going on I have felt so anxious! I have been having trouble sleeping, sleeping during the day because I can’t sleep at night, laying in bed a lot and hiding away in my room. All of the signs that my anxiety is high and my depression is low.

I’m seeing my therapist next week so I want to chat with her about this entire situation. I have no idea how to best go about this so I’m hoping her and I can work through it together.

I Overcame My Fears!

Guys, I’m back and ready to write about mental health once again! I have a positive story to share today. I overcame my fear of traveling alone (check this post if you don’t know what I’m writing about)!!

Today I got home from my trip to a new city to see my beloved Ariana Grande. As some of you know I named this blog after her song “Be Alright” so seeing her perform was an emotional experience for me. I also plan to get this tattooed on my body at some point soon.

I am about to sound so dumb but I cried multiple times during her show. The first note she belted out my eyes welled up with tears. It was a mix of her amazing voice, disbelief that I was there and how much her music means to me.

When she sang “Be Alright” I was so moved because I really needed to hear those lyrics last night. To translate into regular words, she said, all of these tears will come and go, everything will be alright.

That song has been one I’ve gone back to over and over again when I’m going through a difficult time. “Be Alright” is more than a pop song to me, it is encouragement that things may be hard now but eventually it will be ok. It’s the equivalent of a friend giving me a hug after I’ve spilled my guts to them.

I had tears streaming down my face during her song “Needy”. If you experience anxiety and/or depression, I think there’s a good chance you will also connect deeply with this song. When I first heard it, I cried so of course I cried when she sang it live.

The 2nd verse lyrics are, “Sorry if I’m up and down a lot / Sorry that I think I’m not enough / And sorry if I say sorry way too much.” That sums me up pretty well.

Singing and crying at her show was a wonderful and emotional experience that I am so happy that I had. Overcoming my fears was 100% worth it.

Leave me a comment below of your favorite Ariana song! And even if you don’t enjoy her music still leave me a comment please!

My dad’s favorite is “Bang Bang” which he was disappointed that she didn’t perform, hahaha! My dad is so strange.

Overwhelmed and Anxious

My boyfriend and I are taking a big step and are looking to buy a house together.

I’m absolutely terrified that I’m going to mess up this process. I’m overwhelmed by all the steps it takes to make this happen like getting pre-approved for a mortgage and setting up house tours.

I am afraid of everything that has to go into this process. I feel like I am going to mess everything up for myself and him. That by the end of it I will have ruined our credit scores, destroyed our relationship, get screwed over and be given a ridiculously high mortgage payment.

I have been rather calm lately but now that we have started this process I can’t help but ruminate on the possibly that I will f*ck it all up. That all of the stuff that can go wrong, will go wrong and it will be all my fault.

I’m not adult enough for this. I’m not smart enough to make the best decisions.

Right now I feel like a child who is getting in way over her head.

What if I ruin everything? I can’t repair a credit score or a relationship if I’ve done serious damage to it. I’m so afraid of failing.

 

Mental and Physical Health are Important

In my previous post, I said I would be writing about some topics regarding Mental Health Awareness Month.

Our overall health is important. I don’t know where it began in the history of the world that if you can’t see the illness, it does not exist.

In school health class we almost exclusively learned about physical health. How we should exercise, eat healthy foods and all the stuff that everybody and their cat knows. I don’t believe we ever spoke about mental wellness though which is a real shame.

It’s honestly a shame that society puts a priority on physical health and neglects mental health. Learning about mental illnesses and how we can take care of our minds is essential information!

I think that mental and physical health go hand in hand.

If I’m very anxious or depressed, I often don’t want to eat or move at all. That can eventually effect my physical health.

The other way around, (my physical health effecting my mental health) I am experiencing now and did last summer too after a car accident. Today is day 3 that I’ve been in serious pain and can’t do anything besides alternate between laying down and walking at the pace of my 89 year-old grammy.

Mentally I’m getting to the point where I am frustrated that I can’t do anything. I’ve been limited to watching TV because I can’t really function. I can’t bend over or even sit up so I’m off work today.

I think finding balance in the cycle is essential to being well overall.

What are your thoughts about this topic? Have you experienced your physical or mental health decline because you were unwell? Leave me comments below!

It’s Mental Health Awareness Month!

May is all about making other humans aware about mental health and all that comes along with it. So I want to cover a few things during this month in regards to mental health.

Here are some of the posts you can expect from me this May:

  • Why mental health is just as important as physical health
  • Awkwardness talking about mental illness
  • Taking care of yourself and knowing your limits

This is all I have so far but these are some topics I want to touch on. It’s so important that everyone sees mental health as something we need to take care of. We need to care about our own mental well being and others’ too.

I hope you can find something of interest to you on my blog this month! Leave me a comment below if you have any other ideas for me!

Attempting to Be Social

As I’ve written in past posts, like this and this, I’ve spoken about how I’ve really struggled with socializing as an adult.

The older I get the fewer friends I have. It is partly because I have lost touch with friends I rarely see, got rid of toxic people and changed jobs two years ago. Now I would say I have 2 solid friends (maybe).

This morning my gas tank was on empty so naturally I went to fill up at the cheapest gas station. On my way I saw a sign for a cat cafe that will be opening soon! I was overjoyed because I love cats. The closest cat cafe is 30 minutes away so it’s not the most convenient.

I said to myself, “I could volunteer there. I could do that.”

So I emailed the place, submitted a volunteer application and will be attending their training this Saturday.

Working at a non-profit full time, I don’t often volunteer. I work with the volunteers that come to my work but I haven’t volunteered with a charity in a really long time. Going through so many ups and downs in my mental health discouraged me from doing anything outside my realm of comfort.

After working all of that out, I’m slightly anxious. Diverting from my normal routine scares me. It makes me uncomfortable when I have to do something different or when I have to be in a new setting. I’ve always had trouble with change even if it’s something small.

I’m going to give it a shot though. I think it would be good for me to get out of the house and maybe make a new crazy cat lady friend. Even if I don’t make a friend, I love cats so I will always have their company.

Do you have any tricks to help you through the anxiety of change?