For most of my life I’ve struggled with my weight. For years I took comfort in food which naturally resulted in weight gain.
I’ve hit this point in my life again.
For years if I was struggling with depression or anxiety I couldn’t eat. My stomach would be in knots or I wouldn’t be hungry. Now it’s the total opposite, like I’ve gone back to old habits.
I’m trying to lose weight for my brother’s wedding but my issue with food is very much getting in the way of that. I also am still recovering from a lower back issue so I can only exercise at a very low intensity with breaks between workouts.
Imagine if your 90 year-old grammy was exercising. It’s like that. (I love my 90 year-old grammy just for the record!)
I’m going through a period of depression and anxiety so I know why I’m comfort eating, but I don’t know why my body has switched from under eating to overeating.
What about you? Do you have a challenging relationship with food?
This summer I have a few weddings that I am attending and one that I am going to be a bridesmaid in. In late August my cousin Jess is getting married so it will be the first time the entire family will be together in a long time. Then in September my brother is getting married which I have finally wrapped my head around.
Sure it’ll be great seeing my family and getting to play a part in my brother’s big day BUT I keep worrying about my weight.
In May I decided I was going to stick to an exercise routine and eat around 1,200 calories per day (I’m 5′ 4″). Since then everything has gone down hill which has derailed my efforts. I have been struggling with lower back pain that has prevented me from exercising and I’ve now had back to back fevers.
There is no way I will make it to my goal weight by August 23 for my cousin’s wedding. I keep imaging my family judging me for my weight or making rude comments (to my face or behind my back).
Even for September I don’t know if I’ll be at the weight I’m aiming for. I don’t want to look back on my brother’s wedding photos and cringe at how fat I think I look.
As the days creep closer, my anxiety gets a little louder. I am getting more and more worried about how I will look.
If I am being rational and positive, I’m technically at a normal weight bordering on overweight. Also I’m not going to be anybody’s focus because neither of those days are about me, they’re about the people getting married!
Sigh, I hate weight related anxieties.
In the world there has been a push for body positivity, that every body no matter how big, small, light, dark, short or tall each body is uniquely beautiful. It has taken me years feel ok about what I see in the mirror. Today is not one of those days where I look at my reflection and am happy with who looks back.
Today I ruined my day by getting on the scale.
This morning at 8:30 I thought that I should weigh myself, just to see where I am. I had been feeling really good about myself and was hoping the numbers on the scale would reflect that.
I shrieked at what the scale told me. I frantically muttered, “No, no, no, no, this can’t be happening!” I have gained 3 or 4 pounds since I had last weighed myself probably a month or so ago.
Seeing that number crushed the confidence that I had just been praising myself on. My mind went into freak out mode. I quickly downloaded “My Fitness Pal” so that I could begin counting calories and monitoring my exercise levels like I used to.
Weighing myself threw me out of the clouds right back down to the reality that I will forever struggle with my weight. That when I get complacent, I gain weight.
It’s so difficult for me to think positively knowing that I’ve gained weight. I have struggled with this my whole life and it seems that this next battle has just begun.