Finding Balance or Perfection?

Since September I have been telling myself that I need to find balance. That I am not able to balance everything going on in my life plus the things I need/want to have in my life.

My entire theme of 2020 was going to be about finding balance. During some reflection, I realized that deep down it’s about finding perfection, not balance.

I know I will never be perfect but I have struggled for a long time about wanting to be perfect. To be the perfect writer, girlfriend, daughter, sister, friend and all around human.

A balanced life is a perfect life in my eyes. Being able to juggle everything without having a meltdown every other week would be great! (Yeah that’s something I need to talk to my therapist about.)

I think I’ve been kidding myself with all this talk of balance. Yes I do want to have a more balanced life but I need to remind myself that I will never achieve a perfect life (or even a perfectly balanced one).

With this refreshed thought process about balance I need to reevaluate the word. How can I strive for balance without being swallowed whole by anxiety then dropped at the bottom of a hole with my depression?

Sigh. I left a message for my therapist so I hope I can get in next week.

Do you have anything you’re striving to achieve in 2020? Leave me a comment and tell me!

Perfection

Something I’ve struggled with for a long time is wanting to be perfect.

I think a lot of us think that wanting to be perfect is the same as a perfectionist but it’s not in my case. I’m definitely not a perfectionist in most aspects of my life.

In school I never tried to be the best at everything or even to get straight As. It goes the same for any activity I’ve ever done, like music or sports, I knew being perfect in those areas wasn’t attainable and I was fine with it.

In every day life is where I struggle with the fact that I am not perfect.

When I make a mistake or say the wrong thing, I beat the shit out of myself for it. I ruminate on whatever error I made, replaying it over until it makes me sick. I ask myself why I did whatever I did and why I wasn’t smart/good enough to evade this error in the first place. It makes me ask myself why I was even put on this planet if I’m going to be such a failure.

Today I’m struggling because I’m not perfect. So often I wish that I was so I wouldn’t go through this process of being sad and mad at myself.

Failure makes me want to hide from the world and from myself. Sadly, it’s really hard to escape yourself. I can’t leave my body or my brain!

Do you ever struggle with the fact that nobody is perfect?