Waking Up Empty

If you’ve ever experienced depression or anxiety, you have probably experienced the emptiness that resounds in your chest the moment you wake up. I felt that this morning for the first time in a while.

I forgot how horrible it feels to be hollow once more. For many weeks I only woke up feeling sleepy, ready to go back to sleep instead of getting up at 5:30 or 6 in the morning. This morning I rose, began to stretch then the empty feeling began to settle into my chest.

I have today off so I should be looking forward to everything I get to do (and don’t have to do) today. I have some work for my side gig to do, I’m going shopping, hopefully going to the gym and best of all, I am getting a sauna and massage. My emptiness calls me to forget those positive activities, instead to focus on how depressed I feel.

This is a feeling I hoped wouldn’t touch me until the new year. I deeply hoped that the light inside me could continue to shine brightly. To light me up like a jack-o-lantern, but it seems that my candle was blown out.

I don’t want my depression to ruin the holidays for me. Not this year!

On Christmas 2016 I was remembering that I had been suicidal for 3 months instead of celebrating with my family. The desire to die was so strong even on my favorite holiday. This year, I don’t want that to be the case! I want to be happy spending time with my family, my boyfriend and his family.

This empty feeling may not go away for a while, that’s reality. I know myself and have learned so much through my long journey with mental illness. In time I will be better. In time I will have my energy back and be able to feel good again.

It’s all in time.

Oh the Guilt!

I hate feeling guilty and shameful. The other day I posted about guilt and right now, I’m having one of those moments where I feel so guilty that I want to curl into a ball so tightly that I disappear.

Have you ever felt that way?

It’s a cycle for me with guilt and mental illness. My anxiety will tell me that nobody loves me, that I’m stupid or that I’m a bother to everyone around me. Those thoughts are so loud in my head, it’s hard not to hear them. When I say them out loud or assume someone actually feels that way, I end up feeling guilty for saying my anxious thoughts out loud because it makes the person I said them to upset.

I say, “You don’t like spending time with me, do you?” Then that person gets frustrated, they’re blindsided by that comment and why I would say something like that in the first place. For me, that question makes sense because I have been hearing it for years.

My anxious statements make me immediately feel guilty. I tell myself that I’m a bad girlfriend/friend/sister/daughter, I’m a person that nobody wants to be around. I wish that I could vanish into a small space where nobody can find me. A place I can hide until the guilt subsides and I can breathe again.

I’m going through this right now so the emotions are really fresh. I feel ashamed when I let my anxiety speak because I know I should not let it have a voice. From my perspective, those anxious thoughts ring in my ears so loudly that I forget that nobody else can hear them. I forget that maybe what my mind tells me isn’t actually true.

What do you do when you’re feeling incredibly guilty about what your mental illness makes you do?

I hope that you guys will all be alright. –Megan

Falling behind

Do you ever feel like you are slipping on all of the responsibilities you have? I’ve been feeling that way for a few days because of forgetting something regarding my side job.

My boss reminded me to reach out to a source for a story that is due this week. I felt so stupid about it. As a professional woman I should be able to keep my shit together, right?

Since then I’ve been trying to evaluate what else I have let slide in my life. All weekend I’ve been trying to do small things that will hopefully help me to stay on top of all the things going on with work and personal life.

Cleaning

Cleaning up different areas always makes me feel like I’ve been productive in some way. Washing my makeup brushes, scrubbing the toilet and vacuuming are a few of the easier tasks that I completed to create a better environment for myself. If everything is dirty, the air feels cluttered to me and I find it difficult to function.

Exercising

I often slack on getting enough exercise especially when dealing with depression. I took time this weekend to go to the gym and punch the heavy bag in my basement. Getting out inner frustrations helped me to clear my mind and it made my body feel good.

Relaxing

Taking the time you need to recharge is incredibly important when life feels overwhelming. Having depression and anxiety, I get overwhelmed very easily so anything that I can do to calm down is essential. I watched some shows, practiced my Japanese, petted my cats and did a Target run. All of those things helped me to chill out and be ready for the week to begin.

If you’re falling behind too, I hope you got a little inspiration from this post. I know you can figure it all out in time! Leave me a comment about what you do when you feel like you need to reorganize and get balanced again!